Sunday, December 13, 2009
I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be a choir conductor anymore (it makes me nervous and agitated and I hate the feelings of not being in control that go along with it). You need to accept this. Actually, you don't. I don't care whether or not you accept it. I don't need you to. I'm done trying to prove myself to you.
I don't care that you think that singing isn't something to devote your life to. I love singing more than just about anything. Why shouldn't I try to make a living off of it?
I guess I just need to accept that some people just won't understand.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Where shepherds lately knelt,
and kept the angel's word,
I come in half-belief,
a pilgrim strangely stirred;
but there is room
and welcome there
In that unlikely place
I find him as they said:
sweet, newborn Babe, how frail!
and in a manger bed:
a still small Voice
to cry one day
How should I not have known
Isaiah would be there,
his prophecies fulfilled?
With pounding heart I stare:
a Child, a Son,
the Prince of Peace--
Can I, will I forget
how Love was born and burned
its way into my heart--
unasked, unforced, unearned,
to die, to live,
and not alone
--Jaroslav J. Vajda (1919-2008)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Finally, for about the first time ever, I like myself. That's the end. I like myself because of who God made me. Before, I liked myself because you loved me. The other day, I was going over in my head all of the reasons we fought. Or at least the reasons we named. And most of the time, they were "my fault," character traits that I needed to change if we were ever going to work. And I was listing them off in my head, and most of them were traits that I liked about myself. I like that I'm stubborn. I like that I'm impulsive and emotional and passionate. I like that I tend to not filter my opinions about something. And if these were problems in our relationship, then the problem wasn't me. It was the relationship.
I feel like I should apologize for finally being happy, because it means that you're unhappy. But I'm not apologizing. I won't do it.
Someday, you're going to find someone who's perfect for you.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I'm also not ready to be graduated, to be a college graduate, to be an "adult," whatever that means. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. I have a few different options, geographically that would all hold great possibilities for me. But I don't know which one to choose. I really need some guidance here, God. Help me out, please?
And...this week my ex re-friended me on Facebook. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I realize it's only facebook, and facebook friends aren't exactly like real friends, but I don't know if I can be friends with him just yet.
And I'm not ready to leave Kapelle. I know I've been over this before. But the feeling still lingers.
I'm just not ready.
Friday, November 27, 2009
It feels kind of surreal to have it all be over. I mean, it's the one thing you work towards for your entire college career, and it's over in 30 minutes. In a way, it's kind of a let-down, and a little anticlimactic.
I feel the need to learn a super hard aria that's way past my skill level in order to fill the void.
Let me preface by saying this: GOOGLE MAPS IS STUPID.
They had me get off of I90 onto some dinky little Indiana State road. Their logic was to take me from this state road, to I80, then to I65. The dinky little state road was CLOSED. So I went to follow the detour. And got lost. Twice. First I got lost because of the stupid inadequate detour that ended NOWHERE. And then after I called Dad and got directions back to the highway from him, I turned the wrong way. And got lost again. So FINALLY I got back to I90, with the aid of the wonderful Samantha, who told me that I should never have gotten off I90 in the first place, because it connects with I65! So I get to I65 eventually, blah blah and I'm driving and it takes forever, yada yada.
And then about 70 miles from Louisville, traffic on I65 (IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!) stops, and is crawling for MILES on end. There is an hour-long traffic jam in the middle of nowhere for NO reason.
The point of the story? What should have been an easy 5 hour drive, became an 8 HOUR drive.
Needless to say, I'm definitely going to hate driving for a while.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Example one: we are in control and in no control at the same time. We can control our actions, our words, the decisions we make from day to day. But ultimately, we are not in control. God is in control of our lives. In theatre, as a director, you can control almost everything that happens; you can control which actors to cast, you can shape their performance and interpretation of their character, you can control the blocking, you can even control the tech elements to some extent. But once the performance starts, you are NOT in control. What happens onstage is no longer under your power. I realize that this analogy breaks down if you analyze it too much, but that's true for all analogies.
Example two: In theatre, everyone is interdependent. It is a collaborative effort, and each person must do their part well for the whole to be successful. It's the same with life. Life is a collaborative effort. You can't just go through life alone and a hermit. As humans, we are made to need each other, and consequently we are interdependent.
This is why I think theatre is immensely important. It has so many lessons to teach us.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
And...on top of it my grandmother is in the hospital, so that's got me worrying. (Even though Mom tried to tell me not to. It was a gallant effort, Mom.) She fell early last week. She only had a hairline fracture in her hip, so they sent her home after doing x-rays and all that jazz. But then after she left the hospital, she had a brief spell where she was unresponsive. Conscious, but unresponsive. And so now she's back in the hospital undergoing tests to figure out what's wrong.
That brings me to my next topic. Do you know how when you're a kid, it's like your parents and grandparents are made of steel, like nothing bad can happen to them? And then as you age, you realize that people are mortal and eventually die. But you still don't really think about it, until a certain point in your life, when you realize that your grandparents are getting older, and eventually they won't be around anymore. Well, I've found myself coming to that point. This issue with my grandmother, and also with my grandfather's cancer sort of made this truth that we all know more of a reality for me. And it's kind of scary.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
In other news, I had my last Kapelle Home Concert last night. And it wasn't as sad as I thought it might be. I didn't even cry at all. I was too busy soaking in everything, enjoying the time with Kapelle while I still could. I can honestly say I enjoyed singing every single piece. And let's be realistic here. In choir, you're NOT going to like every single thing you sing. You're just not. You can't like everything all the time; that's not how the world works. And some of the stuff we did on tour I don't like as well as other stuff we've done in the past. But last night, I sincerely enjoyed singing every single piece. Last night, I wasn't concentrating on how sad it was that it was my last concert. I was concentrating on how wonderful it was to be singing with everyone, and thankful that I got to spend so much time with them.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
This evening, I was driving home at about 5:45 after PASSING my recital audition (!), just as the sun was setting. The golden light from the sunset was hitting the golden leaves from the trees, making the very air seem golden. It was so breathtaking. This year's fall, more than other years it seems, is making me notice God's glory and beauty more. Or perhaps my eyes are just more open this year.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
And I also started thinking hardcore today about all of my "lasts." Specifically, regarding Kapelle: my last tour (which is this weekend), my last home concert, and my last lessons and carols. And I damn near started crying. I'm so sad to be leaving Kapelle. I won't miss Concordia after I graduate, but I will miss Kapelle. Kapelle is family, and has been since sophomore year. I miss them already.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
Saturday, October 10, 2009
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
I'm so sorry...
Friday, October 9, 2009
I guess I just feel so lonely lately. And I think it has to do with my breakup with Shannon. I guess I just miss having someone who I KNOW will ALWAYS be there for me. Because... (okay, confession time, here) I don't really trust my friends to always be there for me. Mostly because we've drifted apart, or because they've moved away. I guess I don't really trust anyone to always be there for me, and to never leave me.
If you respond with "Well Jesus is always there for you" I'll slap you silly. I know that for pete's sake. But that doesn't help me here. That doesn't get rid of my need for a PERSON who I can see, and touch, and spend time with to always be there for me.
And I'm sorry to all of you who are reading this, because more likely than not, we're friends or family. I'm sorry I don't trust you. I wish I did.
...I wish I had someone to hold me...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
It's about Roman Polanski FINALLY being arrested for raping a girl in, what? 1960-whatever? Anyway. It's really good. And by good, I mean sad and sarcastically and sardonically funny and serious at the same time.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Let's take a look at a quote from the movie When Harry Met Sally, which centers on this question.
Harry: Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.
Okay, first of all, why don't we define "friendship." I think here, "friendship" means not just someone you talk to in class or at work or casually whenever you happen to run into them. I think here friendship includes going out of your way to make plans with this person, like lunch, coffee, or a movie. And here, friendship also includes mutual sharing of things you wouldn't ordinarily share with just anyone that you know.
I think that men and women cannot really be friends (using the above definition of friendship) without either or both of them having feelings for the other at some point in the relationship. This isn't to say that two friends can't move past these feelings to have a completely platonic, yet still intimate friendship. Because that has happened to me. But if you're going to become emotionally intimate with a person of the opposite sex, one or both of you will start to have feelings for the other.
And this presents an enormous problem when one the two friends are involved with other people, as the above quote examines. When a person is in a committed romantic relationship with another person, I think there is something wrong with the relationship when one or both of those people seek outside companionship from another person of the opposite sex.
So, short answer: No. There you go. I might add more to this post later, if I feel I wasn't explanatory enough.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Also, I tried on my size 8 recital dress the other day. And I look significantly better in it than the last time I tried it on a few weeks ago! It was extremely encouraging! I still need to lose a bit of a stomach pooch I still have. However, I did try on my size 8 jeans this morning, and they were indeed too small. My hips and thighs are still too big. I must do more cardio.
This post is mostly to kill time until work at 10, which I am very much looking forward to. I love the babies. :)
Also, I am looking forward to my Interpersonal Communication class today. We are finishing up the movie we're watching. When Harry Met Sally. It's AMAZING and hilarious, and also thought-provoking. We're studying their relationship and also the question the movie presents: Can men and women really be friends without sex getting in the way? I'll share my opinion on this subject eventually, but I'll be sure to give it its own post.
Also, it's October today? What the hell? When did it become October? I'm not ready for October to be here, seeing as October has a tendency to chew me up and spit me out. Well, I say "me," but it's really "we." All of us in Kapelle, that is. Lectures in church music AND fall tour is in October, and that alone runs us ragged. And then on top of that I'm going to have my recital audition this month sometime. Yikes! That thought alone, apart from Lectures and Tour makes me nervous.
Nevertheless, I will press on, and I will come out victorious. October will not beat me into submission. Rather, I will beat it into submission. Take that, October.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Also, I've been walking A LOT lately. Like when I'm bored in the afternoons/evenings with nothing to do (correction: nothing that I care to do, such as homework), I'll go on a walk. Also, I've been walking to school a lot lately, which is almost 2 miles. My size 10 pants are starting to fit a lot looser (I have to wear a belt, even!), although I don't think that I'm small enough yet to go back to my size 8 pants. Okay, you may say, "But Leah, size 10 isn't big at all!" I know. But it's not my best. I was a size 8 for a long time before I gained weight over the summer. I know I can be a size 8. So that's what I'm striving for. Also, my senior recital dress is a size 8. So if I don't fit in it, I'll look BAD.
While I'm on the note of fulfilling semester goals (re: my post a few weeks ago regarding things I wanted to accomplish this semester), my acne is starting to clear up. Huzzah! I think it was so bad because:
A) I wasn't drinking nearly enough water as I should have been. I've been better about this lately.
B) My stress level was slightly higher, and has since gone down a little. Or maybe I'm just getting better about dealing with it. I don't know.
C) For a while after I got back to school, my hormones were going all insane and stuff because all of a sudden I was living with 3 other girls. I think they're starting to adjust now.
D) (more of a sub-point of A) I'm eating a lot healthier than I was this summer.
E) (also mor of a sub-point of A) I'm a lot more physically active than I was over the summer.
So overall, my self-esteem is starting to up a little bit. I do have my moments, but who doesn't?
Oh, annoying story. So, I get in my car to go to church this morning, and it doesn't start. The battery is dead. So by the time AAA gets someone out to my house to jump it, it's 10am. Church is at 10:15 out in Woodridge, 40 minutes away. So...there goes church this morning. And on top of it, the guy didn't even have a new battery to put in my car, like AAA said they would. The battery truck doesn't go out on the weekends. So I have to wait until tomorrow to call AAA AGAIN so they can send ANOTHER PERSON out to my house to replace the battery. Which means that I either have to ride my bike to school tomorrow at 6:30am (I'm not a fan of this option. Riding my bike makes me more tired than I care to be. Also sweaty. I don't like being sweaty all day.) OR get up WAY before the butt-crack of dawn so I can leave my apartment at 6am to walk to school to be at work by 7am. (I like walking infinitely better than riding my bike, but I'm not a fan of getting up that early.) Eff. Whatevs. I'm still not sure what I'll do. I probably won't decide until right before I go to bed.
Oh, on top of the car thing, my computer isn't working. None of the programs will run. I took it to cougarnet today. Hopefully they can fix it. If not, I might be screwed.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I'm still planning on moving to Springfield sometime after I graduate. So until then, until we're ready to make contact again, no phone, no texts, no facebook, twitter, nothing. We're not even going to read each others' blogs.
But for some reason, I feel lonely. I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day. Because I never see my roommates, and I don't really hang out with friends too often (because I can be kind of a loser sometimes). I guess maybe I don't think many of my friends will care too much about how my day went.
I do know that it needs to be this way. We need some time away from each other. We need to not be fighting. Long distance stopped working for us a long time ago.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I talked to him today. And it was good. I think that's part of why it was a good day. I think one of the reasons why I was so miserable the last couple of days was because it felt like someone died. I hated not being able to talk to him. It felt taboo, but then today I just bit the bullet and did it. And it was pretty normal. We didn't fight or anything. I'm not really sure how he feels about this, if he thinks it's more torture to talk to me and us not be together than for us to just sever all contact. I don't know. . . I just want us both to be happy.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Shannon and I broke up today. I just wanted to get that out there so that neither of us keeps getting questions. No, I don't feel like talking about it. I don't feel like explaining to you all of the gory details because, frankly, it's not really any of your business. If you really needed to know, then you would know by now. So questions aren't really necessary.
I just wanted to get that out there so that we don't keep getting questions. Because, to be honest, they're kind of annoying.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
- Lose approx. one pant/dress size.
- Find a pair of silver heels.
- Be zit-free by Nov. 20th.
- Find an AWESOME shade of red lipstick.
- Get a pedicure.
- Find someone to do my hair for my recital.
- Learn how to actually keep my bedroom clean.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Last week was my last first week of school. At least until I go to grad school, but who knows when that'll be? Not me. And I survived. This week might be a little more challenging. I like the classes I'm taking pretty well, even though I'll have a full workload. I'm taking music lessons, senior recital, a stupid gen ed that I waited until the last minute to take, Interpersonal Communication (a class I could really use!), Choral Literature (which is a GRADUATE LEVEL class! I'm really nervous and excited about it all at once!), and senior project. Oh, and I'm working at the Early Childhood Center on top of that.
I must say, I'm pretty excited for my senior project. It's going to be a readers theatre program of Dr. Seuss books entitled "Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned from Dr. Seuss." I'll be emphasizing the fact that Dr. Seuss's books ALWAYS had a moral to the story. And they were useful, too: try new things, use your imagination, compromise, you can't run away from your problems. Things like that.
Also, I'm trying this new thing this semester called "being organized." I know. It's a big deal. You should be shocked. But I feel like this semester it's even more important for me to stay organized than it was last semester. Because of my senior project, which is all up to me to stay on schedule for, because of my recital, because of Choral Lit, and because of the fact that I'm still in a long distance relationship. If I can stay on top of all my school work and get it done in a timely manner, I can have more time to devote to my wonderful boyfriend.
I'm nervous about graduating. I'm not ready to enter the real real world. They tell you you're entering the real world when you graduate high school, but it's a lie. Okay, it's not a lie if you don't go to college, or you do go but you're paying for it yourself. For people like me who are in college and are still being helped by their parents, it's NOT the real world. And Concordia is REALLY super far from being the real world. It very much resembles living in a bubble. Hence the term "Concordia Bubble." I'm nervous to have to be kicked out of the bubble. I know that this has to happen, and that everything will ultimately be okay. But I'm still not ready yet. I'm not ready to be a grownup. I want to stay a college student just a while longer.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-"Fix You," Coldplay
Books I've read this summer:
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice
- Interview with the Vampire
- The Vampire Lestat
- Queen of the Damned
- The Tale of the Body Thief
Dead Man Walking by Sister Helen Prejean (well, mostly. I still have one chapter to go)
With the exception of the first and last books listed, the books I've read required little to no brain power. And I'm definitely okay with that. I'm all for books that make you think, but from time to time I do enjoy books that have little to no moral, cultural, or political significance.
For the most part, this summer has been very relaxing, and I'm sorry to see it end. I wish I could just stay home and read books.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Anyway, yesterday was good and bad.
I went to see Julie and Julia with my mom! We both really liked it! The whole middle section made me uncomfortable in an intangible, indescribable way. But I'm fairly certain that it was supposed to do that. Anyone who's seen it have input on this?
Had an argument with someone. REALLY big argument. I still don't think I'm quite over it yet. And I don't know what to do about it.
I had a great phone conversation with my friend Tyler, who I haven't talked to since school ended. We didn't talk about the issues that were troubling me, just regular stuff, and that turned out to be far more beneficial than if I had ranted to him. We talked about my classes this semester, and how he's student teaching, and about how my apartment is 0.6 miles (I looked it up) from the house that he's moving into soon.
So, listing them off, it appears that yesterday was more good than bad. But the bad feels really bad. As bad as the two goods put together, if not worse.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
My online class started last week. Values and Virtues. Required senior class at Concordia, in which we're taught how to form, vocalize, and analyze our... (you guessed it) Values and Virtues. I'm convinced that I would drown in this class had I not taken History of Theatre Directed Study this past semester. If I can take that class Directed Study, I can take pretty much any class. And I think I got a B in it, too. I was really pleased. But I'm distracted. The online discussion format is a little weird. I don't really feel like I have any idea who the other people in the class are. I realize it's only been one week, but I feel like if I were actually taking this class, I would know these people more than I do, even after one week. However, it does have its benefits. I feel like it gives us all the chance to respond more calmly than we would get in person. At least this is true for me. I tend to speak before I think, and so the written discussion format works best for me.
I (groan) STILL don't have a job. I registered at a Temp agency, and they have something for me at the beginning of July, which is rapidly approaching! Eek! I do, however have a lead on a babysitting job I found on Craigslist. I really hope she hires me...
On August 1st, I'm going to Texas to visit my grandparents! I'm so excited! I haven't been down there for a couple of years, and so I'm really anxious to get down there and see them. It's only a week-long trip; not like the three week long trips I used to take down there when I was younger. I'm so excited to go there. It's like home for me. When I think of summer, I think of their house.
Speaking of my grandparents, the last I've heard from my grandfather is that he's recieving the treatment very well. The symptoms are starting to go away, and he hasn't had very many side effects. I'm very thankful for that.
Also, I hate the America's Next Top Model theme song. "La la laaa laaaaa la la la." That all it is. It reminds me of the Schnuck's song on their commercials. [You'll really only understand that if you live in or around St. Louis.]
Also having to do with ANTM, I hate it when the judges tell people they're dull and have no personality. Maybe they're just reserved! There's nothing wrong with being reserved! It makes me so angry when the judges call them dull. Argh!
Ok, I think I'm done rambling. Hope you had fun. I know I did.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Money is the root of all evil. It's certainly the source of my problems. I don't have enough. Everyone's looking for jobs, and no one is hiring. And if they ARE hiring, they're certainly looking for someone who's planning on having the job for more than 2 months. I need a job. I have a parking ticket (stupid St. Louis City) and bills I can't pay. I've started looking for babysitting jobs on Craigslist, and I have a lead on one, a couple of overnight jobs. But these aren't until next month. I'm really hoping something will come.
I am weary, let me rest.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
"I ran into a guy I knew from somewhere (vagueness is key on the internet). I was in a jovial mood so I invited the guy for a drink. I wasn't looking for anything serious with this guy but I thought some drunken flirting, kissing, etc might be fun.
Two martinis later (vodka, dirty, always, please, thank you) I decided that it had been way too long since I last had sex. So against the Audrey Hepburn part of my brain, I decided, "Fuck it, I'm allowed to have fun and get laid." I followed this gentleman back to his house.
Sexing ensued. And at some point during it, I realized, to quote the Bluth family, "I've made a terrible mistake." This gentleman really actually *liked* me. Like liked, liked. "Do-you-like-me-Check-yes-or-no" like.
I've been this guy before, the "I like you guy", the one making cute little jokes, cuddling, so happy to be in the bed with a certain person. Thinking that everything was going so well. But, unfortunately for him, he's not what I was looking for. I was looking to get laid, plain and simple. No messiness, no promises of future dates, just a fun romp. But he didn't know this, and how could he? Now here is where I understand where men are coming from.
Because see, there's nothing actually wrong with his guy. He's adorable, kind, etc. It's not like there was something he could have done to change my mind/feelings about him. It's just that he's not what I want right now. It's like if I went into a store and said, "Show me your best china" and you brought me back a Marc Jacobs coat, I would say, "That's a great coat but that's not at all what I'm looking for."
Now I get it. I get why things seem to be going so great with a guy -- we have a great evening, kissing, cuddling, etc -- only to not hear from him the next day. I'm just not "it". Not what he's looking for. "Just not that into me" etc. And it's actually true. Because I'm a Marc Jacobs coat, he knows, I know it. But he's looking for cutlery. And you can't cut a steak with a coat."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Carcinoid tumors rarely cause signs and symptoms until late in the disease. Carcinoid tumors can produce and release hormones into your body that cause signs and symptoms such as diarrhea or skin flushing."
They're not sure what the treatment is going to be. He has an appointment on Tuesday, and that's going to be discussed.
Honestly, I'm not as worried as I was before we found out the results of the biopsy. I think it's because of the phrase "slow-growing." I think how worried I get depends on how sick he gets.
Ok, scratch all of that. I'm actually scared out of my mind.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Taylor Swift performed on the Today Show this morning. Ugh. She doesn't know how to sing. She wasn't completely off pitch, and her tone wasn't bad (most of the time), but it was less than pleasing. I am also completely convinced that she doesn't know how to breathe properly (along with nearly everyone else in the music industry today). She compulsively breathes in the middle of words. I mean, what would possess you to breathe in the middle of a word when you're the only one singing?? It's okay when you're singing with a choir, because it's stagger breathing, and normally no one can hear a break in the middle of the word. But if Taylor Swift knew how to breathe properly, then she wouldn't have to resort to breathing in the middle of words.
She also can't enunciate well. It's ANNOYING! Should I ever want to listen to her songs, I'd like to be able to understand them! That's another thing singers today don't do: enunciate. I mean, I've heard heavy metal bands enunciate better than pop stars. It seems like there's something wrong with that.
Now this might be a little bit insensitive, bu her dancing looks like she's having convulsions, and crowds seem to scream in adoration over it. For some reason, they love it. I mean, if she actually started having convulsions onstage, the crowds probably wouldn't know the difference.
Okay, I've decided. My goal in life should be to teach the whole world to sing, because there are too many "singers" who don't know how to sing.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One, it's been months since I've worked out. But that's because this past semester was such a bitch, and I was too busy to work out.
Two, I haven't practiced voice or piano since I left school. Must practice tomorrow. NEED to practice tomorrow.
Three, I haven't been creative in a long while. I haven't made anything, created anything. I haven't worked on the play I'm writing, I haven't blogged, I've barely written in my journal. I feel so uncreative right now. I made snowflakes out of teal tissue paper the other day, but that doesn't really count.
Four, I don't have a job. I NEED a job for the summer.
Five, (and this has nothing to do with being lazy) I miss Sanctuary. BAD.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Also, the character of Richard Alpert has lost his...mystery, I guess. I'm starting to think he doesn't know as much about the Island or things that are happening as perhaps originally thought. When we first met Richard, I got this impression that Richard was really wise, and knew a lot about the Island. But now I'm starting think that Richard doesn't really know all that much. To take it to an extreme, he seems like Jacob's lackey. I also have some reservations about Locke being The Others' new leader, before we found out in the Season 5 finale, that the Locke we've been seeing most of the season is actually Jacob's unnamed "Nemesis" (as he's being referred to). During the Islanders' flashes through time, Locke told Richard Alpert in 1954 that he (Locke) is the new leader of the Others. Now, did Richard tell Locke in 2004 that he's the new leader because Locke is actually the new leader (with orders fresh from Jacob) or because Locke told him he was in 1954? I'm inclined to believe that Locke was never supposed to be the leader of The Others. It's all one huge looped pretzel: Richard tells Locke he's the new leader because Locke told him that he was. Bottom line: in my opinion, Richard Alpert is nothing but a messenger.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
"Oh, it was okay. I went into town and got a Mother's Day gift and I made some cookies."
"Oh, that sounds fun."
"Oh! I almost forgot! I also helped my parents clean our basement, since the breaker for the septic system tripped yesterday, and backed up into the basement."
Friday, May 8, 2009
Sean Connery as James Bond:
Fun Facts about Sean Connery:
- He placed 3rd in the 1950 Mr. Universe contest
- He had to wear a hairpiece in every James Bond movie, because he was balding already
- During the filming of Never Say Never Again in 1983, he made the martial arts instructor angry. The martial arts instructor then broke Connery's wrist. The instructor? Steven Seagal.
George Lazenby as James Bond:
- Born and raised in Australia
- Served in the Australian Army
- Was offered a seven movie deal for James Bond, but quit after one movie, because he thought the series would die out in the 60's and 70's. Ha. Sucks to be him.
- Was only in one Bond film: On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969). James Bond actually got married in this movie. She dies at the end.
Has anyone even HEARD of George Lazenby? I haven't. I always have to be reminded by my mother that he even exists when I'm thinking of all the actors who have played James Bond.Roger Moore as James Bond:
- Before he did James Bond, he was in a TV show called "The Saint." There was a movie in the 90's made of it, with Val Kilmer. I've seen "The Saint." It seems rather like James Bond training.
- Was the oldest actor to play Bond. He was 57 in A View to A Kill.
- Succeeded Audrey Hepburn as goodwill ambassador for UNICEF
Timothy Dalton as James Bond:
- Was in 2 James Bond movies: The Living Daylights and A License to Kill.
- In 1997, starred in The Beautician and The Beast with Fran Drescher. He must have been really desperate for work...
Pierce Brosnan as James Bond:
- Is Irish by birth
- Before he was James Bond, he starred in a series called "Remington Steele." He played a thief who solved crimes with a private detective. Like Roger Moore's "The Saint," "Remington Steele" (which I have also seen clips of) also seems like Bond-in-training.
Pierce Brosnan is the sexiest of any actor who's played James Bond. The End.
Daniel Craig as James Bond:
- Made his film debut in a movie called The Power of One, which we watched freshman year in Freedom and Responsibility class. Ha.
- When he was a teenager, he was part of the National Youth Theatre in the UK
While Daniel Craig does not have that suave look like James Bond traditionally does, he does have the most beautiful eyes of any actor who's played James Bond. I can't stop staring at them.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
And now for something completely different. This will be mostly a rant. So if you don't feel like reading it, I understand.
But you know those people who are really good at reading other people, like studying their facial expressions and actions and then pretending like they know everything about you? I know a person who does that. It's really aggravating and kind of infuriating. He will pass judgement on my entire day based on "hi" and my facial expressions. The worst part? Normally this person is right. I'm not angry about the fact that he is correct. I'm angry about the fact that he can see things about people that they don't necessarily want to share. It's like he steals their secrets. Ok, this analogy is a little explicit, but everytime I'm around him, it's like he's undressed me against my will just because he could. I constantly feel like I'm trying to hide myself around him, but it doesn't work. I don't want him to know the things about me that he knows without me even telling him. And the worst part is, he claims he can't not do this. I don't buy it. I think he can turn this ability off and stop analyzing people. He wonders why people think he's a jerk. It's because he analyzes people and finds out things they don't want him to know. There's a reason people keep secrets. It's because they don't want other people to know.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he can't really turn this off, maybe this is just who he is. If I'm wrong, tell me. But I don't think I'm wrong. If his analyzing me is making me feel the way I feel, that's not something wrong with me, that's not something I just have to get over. He needs to learn to control his analytical side. It's not appropriate in all contexts. I can't be friends with him anymore. I don't feel safe with him. You're supposed to feel safe with your friends.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
...George who is good to me, and whom I revile; who understands me, and whom I push off; who can make me laugh, and I choke it back in my throat; who can hold me, at night, so that it's warm, and whom I will bite so there's blood; who keeps learning the games we play as quickly as I can change the rules; who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy, and, yes, I do wish to be happy.
...whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes, this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it.
...who tolerates, which is intolerable; who is kind, which is cruel; who understands, which is beyond comprehension...
Monday, April 27, 2009
God loves you, and you are beautiful.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Second: Shannon came to visit me here in Chicago from Thursday through Sunday. It was really nice seeing him and spending time with him. We didn't even really do anything special. We just hung out. We got dinner a couple times, we saw a couple of movies. We mostly just hung around the house, enjoying each others' company. And it was good. I really missed him, and I still do, now that he's back in Springfield. Before he came to visit, things were rough. I'm gonna be honest about that. We were both really busy, and we didn't get to talk to each other very much. And when we did talk, it was either for a few minutes at a time, or we were arguing. But when he was here, it was like we were us again. We were us, we weren't fighting...and it was so reassuring. Sometimes I have my doubts, but this trip made me so confident in us.
Third: No, I did not go to church yesterday (I know, on EASTER). Shannon and I went out for breakfast before he left (to PANERA, btw, their breafast sandwiches are AMAZING!). But after he left, I sat down with my bible and my journal and read the Crucifixion and Resurrection accounts from all four Gospels. Lent this year has gone by really fast. I've been so busy with school that I've hardly had time to take notice and reflect on it, so I'm really glad that I got time yesterday to think about it and spend time with God.
The part of the Resurrection that always stands out to me is the story in John of Mary Magdalene outside the tomb. She's so blinded by her grief that she doesn't see Jesus when He's right in front of her. And I think it's because that they (they meaning Jesus' followers) didn't really understand the things that Jesus was telling them about himself. They didn't understand that when He was crucified, it wasn't the end, that he would raise to life again. But why would they understand that? Why would a human being who was dead, who they themselves watched suffer an enormously painful death on the cross come to life again? The thought wouldn't have even occurred to them; in all their (and our) limited human understanding, they wouldn't have been able to understand of and concieve of such a concept.
And you know, sometimes I feel a lot like Mary outside the tomb. Sometimes I feel so blinded and caught up in all the stuff I have going on--schoolwork, my relationship, all my issues--that I...forget about Him. So this is what I thought about yesterday. And I prayed to God that I wouldn't let all of my stuff keep me from him and continue blinding me, and I asked for His help. Because there's no way that I'm going to be able to do it alone. Anytime I try something without Him, I fail.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Also, rehearsals for my one-act are going extremely well. We're off book already. I'm a little nervous though, since we don't have rehearsal again until a week from Monday, because of tech week for Ragtime next week, which I'm involved in. But I think it'll be okay. I'm really anxious to get a set up for these guys. I'm tired of having for them to imagine walls and doors. Now that we're off book, this is really the time for them to start getting the feel for the play and polish up all the little details that really make a play. And an actual set helps with that. On a good note, however, I asked a friend of mine to sit in on my rehearsal last night, and he suggested moving around two pieces of furniture. I did, and it opened up the set so much! Mind (and eye) was completely blown! It still astounds me how switching two set pieces can make so much difference. Last night's rehearsal was really productive and beneficial. We fixed a lot of problems with one particular scene, which makes me really happy. Honestly, this one-act is the thing I have going this semester that I care the most about. If I can put on a great show, then this whole semester will be worth it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
On another note, I am extremely excited for the Kapelle Home Concert on Saturday at 7:30pm in the Chapel of Our Lord! You should come! It will be amazing!
On yet another completely separate subject, Spring Tour has made me lazy. It has made me not want to exercise and not want to eat healthy. I can't even remember the last time I exercised. I'll start exercising again next week. I think it'll be tough to get back in the groove. I might have to build back up to it.
Today I was thinking about when I realized I was addicted to caffeine. It was several months ago, and I was writing a paper and really stressed out and going nuts. I got some coffee from the Library Cafe at school (cuz I was writing a paper in the library) and I took a sip and just sighed, and suddenly everything was ok. I wasn't stressed out anymore. I was even almost relaxed. And then I realized, if coffee is making me relaxed, and making me breathe sighs of relief, then I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I've been thinking about replicating that sigh of relief I feel when I'm super stressed and have a drink of coffee so that I can be not stressed out and relaxed more often, without the aid of my legal addictive substance of choice. I feel like it would be a great accomplishment if I could achieve this.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Chicago just isn't nearly as awesome as California. Besides the fact that coming back to Chicago means back to reality, back to school, and back to doing actual work, Chicago...smells funny. I know this sounds weird and kind of minor, but smell is kind of a big deal to me. Certain smells are associated with certain memories. I like different smells, particularly nice ones. Everywhere we went in California smelled better than Chicago. Chicago smells dirty, crowded, and polluted. California smells...relaxed, (good), fresh. I miss it.
There was also so much open space in California. A lot of our drives was just this vast expanse of land. There's places where there's nothing but miles and miles of unsettled hills and mountains. It all really put God's glory and majest into perspective. It was so breathtaking, and I was kind of left speechless by it.
I can honestly say, that I would live in Califonia if I could. But there are things here in the midwest that I love more. So I will stay.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
They were calling me to hold my head up high
But the truth was in the dust that hangs like curtains
From the beggars to the sky
The ads and billboards rained in every language
The message every politician knows
When we're fed that we are nothing we'll believe it
And then do what we are told
The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down
On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
Ask any good detective, he will tell you
It's the eyes that always give the truth away
And in yours I see the fear that's bound and gagged you
With no hope for escape
It's true that we are fallen as an angel
But you and me, we're also holy as a prayer
Made in the image of a giver and a lover
Who left His throne to come down here
The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down
On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail
We will rise, rise on the wings of the morning
Though we hide, hide in the shadows of the night
There is hope, hope in the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...
Hope is rising ... on the wings of the morning
Hope is rising ... in the shadows of the night
Hope is rising ... from the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight ...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The past couple of days have been okay. The beginning of the week was not so hot, though. Stuff happened over the weekend that I'm not really at liberty to talk about because, well, it's over and done with now and doesn't really matter. But anyway, at the beginning of the week I was hung up over that and it caused me to get even more easily frustrated than I normally am. Which, in itself, was frustrating. But the past couple of days have been better.
Lately I've been working out 2-3 times a week, doing cardio for around an hour, and some strength exercises if I have time. And I definitely think it's been beneficial in ways other than for my body. Each day that I work out, afterwards I'm in such a wonderful mood for the rest of the day. I love endorphins. I'm hoping that as I continue to work out that my mood will stabilize, and I'll start to be able to control my emotions and be a more enjoyable person to be around. Because right now, I just don't feel like I'm someone anyone wants to be around. I wouldn't want to be around me either. But this could be because I've been feeling kind of disconnected and lonely lately. My roommates are always busy, and when I try to hang out with friends on campus, it rarely ever works out for one reason or another. I guess I just need to quit bitching about it, because I know there are tons of productive things that I could be doing instead.
Hmm. I guess that might be it for now, although I still feel unsatisified. I might go to bed early tonight. And by early, I mean before 10. Sleeping is my fourth favorite thing. 1 is Jesus. 2 is Shannon. 3 is food. Actually it might be a tie between food and sleeping. It's a tough call.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I came to Caribou this evening with the intention of getting work done, and now I have no concentration and work ethic.
Last night I slept 14+ hours. Is that unhealthy? I got no more than a sum of 9 hours the previous two nights. It could be argued that my body was catching up. But even after more than 14 hours of sleep last night, I still want to sleep. That's all I want to do. Sleep has become a major escape for me lately. When I just want to get away from the world and all of the shit that's been going on lately, I sleep. And eat. Sleep and stress eat.
I want to be happy. And I want to not be so angry all of the time. I feel this intense anger inside of me all the time, and I don't know how or why it got there, nor how to get rid of it. And I want to not be lonely. I've lost one roommate to graduation, and another to student teaching and her boyfriend. I never see her. (Don't mistake me, I'm not angry at her for it. These things just happen.) And so when I am at the apartment, I'm lonely. And I'm so disconnected from my friends at school, so I never see them, either. So Reader's Digest version: Leah hates her life.
And I've prayed about all of this, and I know that it'll get better, that God will work some good into my life. My problem is that I want it to be instant, even though I know it doesn't work that way. God's will works on HIS terms, not ours. It's hard being patient.
I feel a little better having gotten all of this out. Not a ton better, but a little.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Last Friday night, I came down with the stomach flu, and was finally feeling 100 percent by Tuesday.
Last night while I was seeing Spamalot I came down with a cold, along with a sore throat that made my throat swell practically halfway shut. So today I've been home sick.
Why do I keep getting sick? Oh, wait it's the Early Childhood Center. Right.
You'd think that working at the ECC, after a while you'd build up an immunity to all the stuff the little kids are carrying. Which means I'd be sick less, not MORE. Except I've been sick three times in a little over a week. Ugh. I don't understand why my body hates me so much.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Also, I have a small head cold today (thanks infants at the ECC!). It's a little disappointing, because last week I had a really good voice lesson, and this week I'm sick and had to cancel. But I'm already feeling better. I was feeling better by the afternoon, even. It happened last night. I was sitting in our living room doing homework when all of a sudden I stopped concentrating and realized that I was sick and had a really stuffy head. Normally it happens overnight when I get sick; I wake up with something I didn't have the day before. This has only happened to me once before, and I must say, I'm not a fan. I'd rather it just sneak up on me when I wake up in the morning. Hopefully whatever I have will be gone by morning. That would be absolutely fantastic.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.
"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"
"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.
-- George Herbert
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Things I love:
For all the bitching and complaining I do, my life really is pretty great.