Christmas in Photos

My mom and stepdad gave me a Dalek Christmas ornament, and a journal made with an actual record of The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper's album!

Yes, we had chili for Christmas dinner.

Bah Humbug.

I'm supposed to write about Christmas. Isn't that what bloggers do? We write about holidays, about major world events, about our feelings.

I'm good at the feelings part. But not so good at the holidays or the world events part.

I did write about Christmas, last year.

But this year, I've been working a lot, and honestly, I haven't had much energy to think about Christmas, as bad as that sounds.

And to be honest, I still don't want to.

I had a bad day at work this morning, and then I broke off my car key in the lock for the trunk and was late for Christmas Eve dinner with my family. (Side note: Seriously? Who does this?! This is why we can't have nice things.) I'd like to give a special shout-out to my mother who is the best mother of ever for saving the day and bringing me a spare key.

But all I want to do is drink beer and watch non-Christmasy things and go to bed.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll be slightly less Grinchy.

Here's hoping I get a little Christmas spirit.

And just to prove I'm not a complete Scrooge:

This is my token Christmas post.

If you know me, you know that when it comes to Christmas, I'm somewhat of a. . . Grinch, a humbug, an Ebenezer Scrooge. I'm one of those people that hates how commercialized Christmas has become, that could probably do without a Christmas tree, that really  only likes traditional Christian Christmas carols, that cringes when too many Christmas songs in a row play at work.

The truth is, I like to hold Christmas inside me. I like to ponder it silently, sitting in my comfy chair at home, with a cup of hot cocoa and my bible, marveling over the fact that God came to us in the form of a tiny, helpless baby.

 But there is one traditional secular Christmas song that gets me every time. It tugs on my heart, and most of the time I have to fight back tears. (It's not "Let it Snow." Just listen to it.)

If you skipped the song, go back and listen. I'll wait.

Now, everyone on the same page? Great.

Yep. "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Not necessarily by Michael Bublé, but by pretty much anyone.

I get a pain in my chest, like something's grabbed hold of my heart and won't let go. My eyes begin to tear up, and feel this insatiable longing in me. 

I want to be home. 

Logically it doesn't make sense, I know. My parents no longer live in the house I grew up in. I've been living in Branson for almost two years. It should be home. But it isn't. It's merely the place I live, the place I work during the day, and sleep at night. 

It's kind of like the concept of missing someone you haven't met yet. It might seem silly, but there are those of us who have this longing inside of us. We long to meet those we haven't encountered yet. We long for a home we haven't found yet. 

We long to experience the great things that God has in store for us. 

I listen to this song, and I long for all those things. I long for that feeling of home, I long for God's plan for me. 

But then I get afraid.

I begin to fear that those things will never come. That my entire life will be stuck in this in-between time I'm in. 

But I just have to trust in God. Trust that He'll lead me.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

Someday, I'll be home. Someday I'll do all those great things that God has planned for me. Someday.

But until then, 

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by night.
And lo,
the angel of the Lord
came upon them,
and the glory of the Lord
shone round about them:
and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them,
"Fear not:
for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of
great joy,
which shall be to
all people.
For unto
you
is born this day in the City of David
a Savior,
which is
Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you;
Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes,
lying in a manger."
And suddenly
there was with the angel
a multitude of the heavenly host,
praising God,
and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth
peace,
good will toward men."

This part always surprises me, how in the midst of a cartoon I always perceive to be secular, is the REAL meaning of Christmas. I think that it's meant to surprise us, that the reason it's so sudden is to make us pay attention to it, to make us listen. And I did listen.

This year I didn't have some new eye-opening revelation about Christmas. And that's okay, I think. As long as I remember what it's for. It's about God coming and bringing his peace and love to us.

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Where are you Christmas?

I've been trying to think of something poignant to say here about Advent or Christmas, like I manage to do most other years. But nothing's coming to me. There's just nothing.

The truth about it is, I just haven't really gotten into Christmas this year. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed putting up the tree with my roommate, I enjoyed looking at the pretty Christmas lights at Silver Dollar City, I've even enjoyed going to a couple of Christmas shows here in town.

But nothing's touched my heart yet.

And part of the reason is, I think, because my "ritual" this year is different. Every year for five years, I had Lessons and Carols at Concordia as part of my Christmas ritual. I had the music to teach me something new about Christ's birth, to remind me of the important things of Christmas. I would sing at Lessons and Carols and then something in my mind would go, "Okay, NOW it's Christmas."

This is the first year in five years that I haven't been to Lessons and Carols. In the scope of an entire human life span, five years isn't really that long. But relative to my short 24 years, it's a huge chunk of time, especially when those five years were spent at such an influential place for me.

Right now the song from The Grinch, "Where Are You Christmas?" comes to mind. A little cliche, I know. But these few lyrics seem particularly pertinent to my life right now:

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

My life is completely different from the way it was one year ago. I'm an adult, living on my own, paying my own bills. It just never occurred to me that maybe I would need to find something new to put me "in the Christmas spirit." It just doesn't feel like Christmas to me this year. And it makes me sad.

I wish that at the end of this post, I could find some sort of redemption, some sort of optimism like the end of "Where Are You Christmas?" At the end of the song, the speaker somehow finds what they need to experience Christmas. But this year, for me, it just feels so...

unspecial.

I know that's not a word. I made it up. I'm allowed.

The point is, my heart isn't in it this year. And I don't know why, or how to change it.