If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves.

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me...as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.
-Matthew 25:35-36, 40

I was on my way home from grocery shopping, waiting at a stop light. And so was he. He couldn't have been much older than me, and he held a small cardboard sign that read "Hungry and homeless, anything helps."

My eyes glanced from the sign to his face. I had a front seat full of groceries; it would have been so easy for me to share my food with him.

But I didn't. I looked away.

I did what so many other people do to the homeless. I looked away, pretended he wasn't there. I looked him in the face, right in the eyes, and I still looked away.

Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.
-Matthew 25:45

I did not do what I could for this young man. I was Jonah, ignoring God's call to minister to His people. I have sinned not only against this man, but against God himself, and I have never felt the weight of sin so acutely. And, to tell the truth, I have never been so afraid for my salvation until now.

Father, I beg not just for forgiveness, but that you would change my heart. Make it one that would care for your people. And please, Father, provide for that man because I did not.

Good Riddance. (I didn't have the time of my life.)

So this is the week when bloggers post their end of year recap posts. What they loved and hated about the year, what they're looking forward to in the coming year.

I don't even know where to start.

2011 was...interesting.

Let's examine the pros and cons, shall we? Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

You want the good news first, don't you? Yep.

Pros of 2011

• I discovered Spotify. Seriously, if you aren't using Spotify yet, I feel sad for you.
• We all discovered that I can be really judgmental, via my short-lived blog series "Why Wednesday." It has it's own tab up top. Wait...maybe this should be on the "cons" list...
• We also discovered that occasionally I can write good fiction. I posted some here, which you can find on the tab up there labeled "Stuff I Made Up."
• I learned that I will never be able to understand just how deep and endless God's love for me is. 
• Sometimes God leads us into the desert, to teach us things, to get us to rely on him. (This feels like a bad thing to me, but I know that it really is good, in the end.)
• I attempted NaNoWriMo. I failed, but I still tried!
• I got hired at Starbucks! That green apron is an instant "cool" stamp. 
• I became an aunt again, and a great-aunt for the first time! That makes a grand total of 7 nieces, 1 nephew and 1 great-nephew!

Cons of 2011

• I decided I don't want to be living in Branson anymore.
• Next month means I've been living here for two years.
• My grandfather died last May, of cancer. I still miss him so much.
•  I have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to do next. I feel pretty lost right now.
• This cons list is short. 

It doesn't feel like 2011 had more pros than cons. I'm just done with it. I'm nervous about what the future will hold, but I want it to get here. Pronto. 

This is my token Christmas post.

If you know me, you know that when it comes to Christmas, I'm somewhat of a. . . Grinch, a humbug, an Ebenezer Scrooge. I'm one of those people that hates how commercialized Christmas has become, that could probably do without a Christmas tree, that really  only likes traditional Christian Christmas carols, that cringes when too many Christmas songs in a row play at work.

The truth is, I like to hold Christmas inside me. I like to ponder it silently, sitting in my comfy chair at home, with a cup of hot cocoa and my bible, marveling over the fact that God came to us in the form of a tiny, helpless baby.

 But there is one traditional secular Christmas song that gets me every time. It tugs on my heart, and most of the time I have to fight back tears. (It's not "Let it Snow." Just listen to it.)

If you skipped the song, go back and listen. I'll wait.

Now, everyone on the same page? Great.

Yep. "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Not necessarily by Michael Bublé, but by pretty much anyone.

I get a pain in my chest, like something's grabbed hold of my heart and won't let go. My eyes begin to tear up, and feel this insatiable longing in me. 

I want to be home. 

Logically it doesn't make sense, I know. My parents no longer live in the house I grew up in. I've been living in Branson for almost two years. It should be home. But it isn't. It's merely the place I live, the place I work during the day, and sleep at night. 

It's kind of like the concept of missing someone you haven't met yet. It might seem silly, but there are those of us who have this longing inside of us. We long to meet those we haven't encountered yet. We long for a home we haven't found yet. 

We long to experience the great things that God has in store for us. 

I listen to this song, and I long for all those things. I long for that feeling of home, I long for God's plan for me. 

But then I get afraid.

I begin to fear that those things will never come. That my entire life will be stuck in this in-between time I'm in. 

But I just have to trust in God. Trust that He'll lead me.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

Someday, I'll be home. Someday I'll do all those great things that God has planned for me. Someday.

But until then, 

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

I Will Allure Her, And Bring Her Into The Wilderness

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, 

and bring her into the wilderness,

and speak tenderly to her.

I've been reading the first part of the book of Hosea a lot lately. A LOT. Almost every day. God is really trying to reach me, using this specific book. 

To fill you in, if you aren't familiar with the book of Hosea, it's a story. It's the story of the prophet Hosea. God told Hosea to go marry a prostitute named Gomer. Yep. A prostitute. Someone who was destined to be unfaithful to him. 

Hosea was a living illustration of Israel's relationship with God. Israel's history was a constant running away from and going back to God. Over and over Israel would turn away from God and then repent. 

This is the story of Hosea and Gomer. Gomer would leave Hosea, then he would bring her back, then she would leave again. Over and over.

I feel as though I've been like Gomer. I've been unfaithful to God. I haven't made a relationship with him a priority. I've been going to church, but it's mostly been going through the motions for me. I forget him for work, friends, etc. 

I build walls around my heart to protect myself from the hurt I'm feeling, and I shut out God in the process. I recognize that in order for God to heal me, I'll have to hurt more. And it scares me. So I run away.

Last week or so, I picked up my Bible and read the book of Hosea for the first time in a long time. And one passage really resonated with me.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, 

and bring her into the wilderness,

and speak tenderly to her.

Hosea 2:14

The past year or more, I've been unhappy. I'm unhappy living in Branson. I'm lonely. But at the same time, God is trying desperately to reach me, to change me, to win me. 

Is this making any sense? I suppose I'm still looking for an explanation as to why I'm in Branson. I'm trying to find something I can learn from all this. I feel like I've been operating without a purpose for so long. I've been operating without God for too long.

I think this is my wilderness, this stage of life I'm in. God has led me out into the wilderness to teach me. And I'm trying desperately to listen.

My New Obsession:

Clouds.
Lately, I am OBSESSED with clouds.

I constantly find myself looking up at the sky.
I bought a new digital camera a few weeks ago,
and practically every single picture is of the sky.

To me the sky just seems like one huge painting,
like God is using a huge paintbrush and constantly
changing and creating new beauty just for us.

The sky just always looks too perfect. I love it.

St. Patrick

I was thinking of what to write on St. Patrick, oddly enough, while laying in bed last night after having had two pints of Guinness while out with my roommate.

I'm sure you all know the story. When he was 16 he got kidnapped from Britain by Irish raiders and taken to Ireland, where he spent six years as a slave. Then he escaped home to Britain, where he returned to his family. After becoming a priest, he returned to Ireland to teach them about God.

Here's the thought that occurred to me while my head was all swimmy with alcohol, a sort of fictionalized conversation between St. Patrick and God.

Go back to Ireland.

Um...what?

Go back to Ireland.

That's funny, God. They kidnapped me and made me a slave. Great joke.

Can you imagine his reaction when he realized God was calling him to go back to the very people who kidnapped and enslaved him? Who would want to do that?

This is someone so completely devoted to God's will that he did the thing that everyone who possesses an ounce of common sense wouldn't do. And I find strange that we celebrate this devotion to Christ by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

Please Pray

Let me preface this entry by saying that
I believe in prayer.

I believe that God responds to our prayers,
even if it's in ways we don't expect.
I believe that praying for healing for someone
matters,
that God heals afflictions,
even now.

God's power is real.

Now,
a couple weeks ago I blogged about my grandfather,
my "papa" here.

For the past two years, he's been pretty okay.
I mean,
as "okay" as you can be with a cancer diagnosis.
But it's been pretty non-aggressive, hasn't been spreading.

Until now.

My dad just told me this morning
that Papa's CAT scans revealed that
it HAS been spreading.

And he starts chemotherapy next week.

I've been
praying
and praying
and praying
and praying

that God heals him,
because I know he can.

I want my Papa back.
I hated seeing him so tired and frail and fragile.

To clarify,
I'm not angry with God.

I know that sometimes these things just happen.
Bad stuff happens to good people,
and there's nothing we can do about it.

Maybe I was praying for the wrong thing.
But I can't figure out what else I
should
have been praying for.

But now my heart is breaking
all over again,
the way it did when I got back from Texas.

Now I'm just praying he makes it through chemo.

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

Do you ever feel like you're sleeping, and can't wake up?

Or like you're a much cooler person than the life you're living?

I feel like that every day. I feel like my life has halted to a stop, like I'm waiting for something to happen, for the good part to get here.

I just need to do something, anything to wake me up. I'm afraid that one day, years from now, I'll wake up and wonder where the hell my life went.

I have problems with comparing myself to other people. One person, in particular. I look at this person's life, and it's everything I'm supposed to want. (And in my stupid mind, have already.) Young, beautiful, married, kids, a career. I'm 24 years old, a year out of college with no career path, and I'm alone.

It's difficult for me to not compare myself with others, to tell myself that God has awesome plans for me that I can't even dream of. But I can't help wondering when my life is actually going to start.