I'm not okay.

I had a difficult time writing this post. I've been struggling lately, with my own emotions.

I recognize that I am a highly emotional person. I feel things very strongly. You'd think that after 26 years of living with this particular personality quirk, that I would be able to embrace it. But I can't.

Something has told me that it's not okay for emotion to be the governing force in my life, that I must be cold and logical instead.

And while I am able to logic my way through my emotions and discern which particular feelings may be completely irrational and why I'm having them, for me, for some reason, that's not enough. For a reason I can't quite explain, if I could make myself less emotional I would.

I hate having emotions so strong that I feel like I'm still going through puberty. I hate crying at the drop of a hat about things that don't deserve tears. I hate getting angry about stuff that should only be mildly irritating. I hate being overly excited about things, because of the way people fake smile and go "That's great."

I know that the thing that matters is not the having of emotions, but the reaction to said emotions. I know that I can't control the emotions, and that's okay, but that I can control my reaction to them.

But I still don't know how to be okay with this part of myself.

Adventures in Online Dating

If you're following along at home, you'll recall that I got suckered into online dating by my two darling roommates.

By "darling" I mean they really are the best ever. For real.

And by "suckered" I mean they didn't really have to do any arm twisting.

ANYWHO. As I was saying, Saturday night we had a profile-making party which involved moderate amounts of booze to soften the blow signing up was doing to my ego. My roommates were awesome and helped me figure what to write on my profile.

My experience the past few days has been... EH.

I've messaged with a few guys. And most of the conversations have fallen into the same pattern. We'll connect over a couple of different topics for a little while, and then conversation will kind of...die out, for whatever reason.

And that's fine. I never expected to really connect with someone in the first week.

The thing I have issue with is the way this whole experience makes me feel. With every carefully worded message I send, with every sentence I construct for my profile, I feel as though I am writing an advertisement for myself. I feel as though I am trying to convince someone they want to buy me.

I haven't been on a date in, well, a hell of a long time, so I might have forgotten. Is dating in person like this? Is this a feeling that I've missed? Is the dating game all a big ad for yourself?

Or is this what life is, and I just missed the point? Every time you speak, every time you dress yourself, are you really just trying to convince someone that you're worth their time?

Maybe I'm just not cut out for online dating. I can't bring myself to quit after less than a week, though, despite the fact that I always feel like I'm trying to advertise myself.

So friends, have any of you tried online dating? What has been your experience with it? Good? Bad?