Change

This week has been one of the strangest weeks in my memory, so full of contrasting events and emotions that I'm almost not sure how to process it.

This week has left me feeling both affirmed and cut down. Elated and deflated.

Some of you know what's up, and some of you don't. And that will just have to do. I can't really talk about it on an open forum like this. All I can say is that there are big changes coming my way. I know that in the long run, I'll be better off than I was before, but change has never been easy for me.

This week has also left me feeling so incredibly grateful for my family, especially my mom who always lets me call her on the phone when I'm crying and inconsolable, and to my friends. I'm grateful for my wonderful internet friends who have been sending me good thoughts and internet hugs all week. And I'm perhaps most grateful for my super cool roommates-my best friends and sisters.

I wish I could tell all, friends, because I desperately need that catharsis. I hate feeling so mixed up. I hate not knowing if I should be happy or sad, even though I know that most of life is not one or the other. Life is not made up of black and white, but grey, and it is that grey area I have such trouble living in.

Life is change and grey areas and disappointments and happiness, and I feel like I'm finally learning how to let it all go and not worry so much about everything all the time. It's so noticeable a change, that I hardly recognize myself sometimes. I'm finally starting to like the person I am.

Can someone tell me what I'm doing here?

There's a question I've been asking. A question, I'm sure, everyone eventually asks in their lifetime, probably more than once, even. The question?

What am I for?

Is there some sort of goal I'm supposed to aim for, some sort of purpose my life is supposed to serve? Is there more to the menial life I lead of work, sleep, and church?

Not to say church is menial. Being a Christian in itself gives life some sort of meaning. However, just because one believes in God doesn't mean one will never feel as though they're wandering in the woods. Which is what I frequently feel like I'm doing.

I have this silly idea that I was supposed to have it all figured out by now. If any of you actually knew what you wanted to do by the time you were 26, please comment below.

Maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe there isn't some grand design for our lives, some one singular goal to strive for.

I'll confess, part of me has bought into the lie that society is peddling that your worth lies in your job, in how much money you make, in the things that you have. When I feel bad about the fact that I work an hourly wage job in the service industry, I have to consciously remind myself that it's all a lie. Everything about my current job, according to culture, is bad. An hourly wage is somehow lower in stature than a salary; serving someone is somehow lower in stature than ruling over someone.

All of this said and done, I don't want to work for Starbucks forever.

I would like it if one of you could post in the comments some steps, a list I could follow in order to succeed at life. That would be super handy, although I'm pretty certain it doesn't work like that.

Getting old is not for sissies.

As a side note, I would like to point out that this is my 300th post! Hooray for me! Do I win some sort of 300th post prize? Timtams? Beer? A hot boyfriend? A day off from work?

No? Rats. Let's get down to business. (To defeat the Huns.)

Personally, I don't think we in America give enough respect to elderly folks. Getting older is NOT for sissies. It terrifies me a little.

7 Reasons Why Getting Old Terrifies Me

Why only 7? Because I'm too lazy to come up with 10. In no particular order. . .

1.Your body falls apart. Old age is riddled with physical perils. Loss of hearing/eyesight, arthritis, cancer, what have you. None of the physical ailments associated with getting old sound remotely attractive to me. I'd really like to pass on this part.

2. Your teeth fall out. At least this is the impression I get. I mean, there's the whole thing about dentures being a thing, right? I'd like to keep my teeth.

3. Dementia. All joking aside, this scares the living daylights out of me. I do not want to forget who I am, who my loved ones are. My grandmother, who just recently passed away, suffered from dementia, and in her last years, she was routinely confused about a lot of things, including exactly who my mother is. Honestly speaking, I'm not only afraid of this happening to me, I'm afraid of my other loved ones suffering from this. I'm not sure I could bear it if my parents didn't know who I was.

4. Hearing loss. As a musician, the thought of eventually losing my hearing, at least in part, is the scariest thing ever. There are a lot of horrible things I would rather suffer than lose my hearing.

5. Making big, long-term decisions. Those which potentially affect your entire life. Buying a house, when to retire, investing/saving money, etc. Making decisions is hard. I mean, I can't even decide what sort of career to pursue. How am I ever going to make the really hard choices?

6. Watching your friends die. I'm not sure I need to expand on this one. I'm sure you guys get it.

7. Nursing homes. Nursing homes not only smell funny, they are just sad. And there are always stories about the elderly being mistreated by their caretakers. Personally, I'm afraid of being put in a really terrible one and left there.


I suppose now, to look on the bright side, I'll have to come up with a post about the benefits of getting older, mostly to convince myself that it won't be so bad.

So what about getting old, (or at least just old-er) scares you?