Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge

At the beginning of January, I flew down to Texas to visit my grandparents, my dad's parents. (My dad has a blog, too. You can see it here.)

Let me preface. My grandfather, my Papa, is sick. He has carcinoid tumors in his liver. They're not spreading anywhere. The biggest effect it has on him is that it makes him anemic, weak, and easily tired. He also can't eat things that he used to, which is a bummer.

Before I visited last month, the last time I'd seen him was more than a year ago, at my college graduation. My dad told me to prepare myself, that he wouldn't look the same.

And I did that. I tried to tell myself that it had been a year, a tough year. He'd been hospitalized a couple of times.

But what I saw at the airport shocked me, I'll be honest. He looked so pale, so thin and fragile. I had to consciously stop the look of shock I felt creeping across my face, and I'm not entirely sure I succeeded.

A couple of weeks prior, I talked to him on the phone, and I asked him how he was doing. I'd asked him this question before, (obviously!) and the normal answer is something generic like "I'm doing okay." You know, the thing you tell people when you either don't want to tell the truth, or you don't have anything else to say.

This time his answer was, "I'm not well."

I'm not well.

He's the type of person who's been strong for his family, a provider, etc. And I'm his granddaughter. He'd never been weak for me. Ever. And here he was on the phone. . . I'm not well.

I know this is the normal process of life. We grow old, our bodies break down. My head knows this. And my head knows that he'll go home to heaven.

But my heart doesn't know this. My heart is breaking. My heart is breaking because I don't have any idea when I'll see him again, any idea of how long it'll be before. . . It's breaking because I miss him already, because of how much I know it'll hurt later.

And despite how much I tell myself the above logical statements, the pain of the unknown will still stay with me. And most of the time, I try not to think about it. It's easier that way. But every once in a while, at the most inconspicuous parts of the day, like when I was putting a bagel in the toaster this morning, it hits me, it pierces my heart and I can't help but tear up.

This seems to happen to me a lot. My head knows something that it can't make my heart understand. And my heart breaks anyway.

Snow Storms

On Tuesday here in Branson we got ice and snow. Granted, not as much snow as my parents in central Missouri, or my friends up in Chicago. But enough to shut down the whole town. It was really the ice that did us in. Most of the roads are still covered in a thick layer of ice. The local schools have been closed since Tuesday.

And now as I look out my window onto the parking lot, it's snowing. Again. It's supposed to snow all night tonight, and then all day on Sunday. What, like Tuesday's storm wasn't enough? We need more snow? Fabulous.

Okay, fine. Here's where I start listening to the logical and optimistic part of my brain. (Contrary to popular belief, I do possess optimism and logic.)

Perhaps this snow is really a blessing, and we're all just missing it. Besides the obvious fact of how beautiful snow is, maybe God is reminding us that we need to slow down. We're all so busy: work, school, family, etc. We hardly ever take the time to stop and enjoy God's beautiful creation. The daily sunrise and sunset, the beautiful snow, the spectacular lightning storm, the flowers in springtime. God sends it for us to enjoy, and most of the time we miss it.

If that sounds familiar, it should. Donald Miller talks about that kind of thing in a certain part of one of his books. I can't remember which one. His blog is here.

But the point is, if you're stuck at home because of the snow, don't complain. Enjoy it a little.

Lessons 2010 Taught Me

• Everyone should live alone, no roommates, for at least a little while. You'll learn a lot about yourself.
• Humans aren't meant to be alone.
  
• Protect your heart. It's your most precious possession. Be careful about who you let in.
  
• Life after college is more different than you ever could have imagined. Don't stress about it. Just roll with the punches
  
• Forgive, and move on.
• Learn from your mistakes. Living with regrets is no way to live. It pollutes your heart.
• Be nice to people whenever you can, especially strangers. You may make someone's day without realizing it.
• Knowing who you are is sometimes more important than knowing what to do with your life.
• It's not the destination that matters so much. It's the path you take to get there.
  
• It's okay to be an adult. Everyone has to grow up sometime.
• Don't settle.
• God has amazing plans for you. You just need to be patient. You'll discover them on His time, not yours.
• The world is full of stupid people. This will never change.
• People hurt you in ways you won't expect.
• God will always send you a friend. You just have to keep your eyes open.
• Being a loyal, trustworthy friend is important. Be a fierce friend. Defend your best friends. Keep their secrets. Treat friends like they're family.
  
• It's okay to ask for help. Everyone needs it at some point.
• There are some people in this world who are inherently manipulative and selfish. These people are poison, and will contaminate your soul if you let them.
• Amidst all of the growing up and being an adult, don't forget to be silly. Laugh about stupid things with your friends.
  
• Being a people person is not really as hard as it seems. You just have to be brave.
• "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." --E.E. Cummings

You have this horrible ability to make me feel so incredibly small, so insignificant, like a pebble in your shoe, a nuisance. And it's always been this way, for as long as I can remember. I can't convey to you just how much you hurt me when you do this. It's like a knife in the chest, (which, contrary to popular belief, hurts just as much as a knife in the back.) like a pain in my soul. This treatment is not acceptable. I'm a person, too. I deserve more respect than what you're showing me. But I won't ever be able to say this out loud. I'm afraid that this is just one of those silent burdens we bear, knowing that saying something would end up being just as awful as not saying anything.

Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by night.
And lo,
the angel of the Lord
came upon them,
and the glory of the Lord
shone round about them:
and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them,
"Fear not:
for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of
great joy,
which shall be to
all people.
For unto
you
is born this day in the City of David
a Savior,
which is
Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you;
Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes,
lying in a manger."
And suddenly
there was with the angel
a multitude of the heavenly host,
praising God,
and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth
peace,
good will toward men."

This part always surprises me, how in the midst of a cartoon I always perceive to be secular, is the REAL meaning of Christmas. I think that it's meant to surprise us, that the reason it's so sudden is to make us pay attention to it, to make us listen. And I did listen.

This year I didn't have some new eye-opening revelation about Christmas. And that's okay, I think. As long as I remember what it's for. It's about God coming and bringing his peace and love to us.

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Some Truths of Life

• People let you down. Even people who are supposed to be on your side.
• But there will always be at least one person who's on your side, even if you don't realize it.
  
• Sometimes figuring out who you are as a person is more important than figuring out a career.
• It's the little things that really make life enjoyable: a stranger being nice to you, finding a dollar in a random pocket, a friend telling you that you look nice.
• As much as things go wrong in life, they're bound to go your way once in a while.
• Even though it's difficult sometimes, being optimistic is better than being pessimistic.
  

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

Do you ever feel like you're sleeping, and can't wake up?

Or like you're a much cooler person than the life you're living?

I feel like that every day. I feel like my life has halted to a stop, like I'm waiting for something to happen, for the good part to get here.

I just need to do something, anything to wake me up. I'm afraid that one day, years from now, I'll wake up and wonder where the hell my life went.

I have problems with comparing myself to other people. One person, in particular. I look at this person's life, and it's everything I'm supposed to want. (And in my stupid mind, have already.) Young, beautiful, married, kids, a career. I'm 24 years old, a year out of college with no career path, and I'm alone.

It's difficult for me to not compare myself with others, to tell myself that God has awesome plans for me that I can't even dream of. But I can't help wondering when my life is actually going to start.