Maybe this will make you understand...

Music isn't a hobby. It isn't something I do in my spare time. Music is MY LIFE. Music is the gift that God gave me, and all I want to do is to sing. All I want to do is to use my voice and praise Him.

I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be a choir conductor anymore (it makes me nervous and agitated and I hate the feelings of not being in control that go along with it). You need to accept this. Actually, you don't. I don't care whether or not you accept it. I don't need you to. I'm done trying to prove myself to you.

I don't care that you think that singing isn't something to devote your life to. I love singing more than just about anything. Why shouldn't I try to make a living off of it?

I guess I just need to accept that some people just won't understand.

"Were not our hearts burning within us...?"

Where Shepherds Lately Knelt

Where shepherds lately knelt,
and kept the angel's word,
I come in half-belief,
a pilgrim strangely stirred;
but there is room
and welcome there
for me.

In that unlikely place
I find him as they said:
sweet, newborn Babe, how frail!
and in a manger bed:
a still small Voice
to cry one day
for me.

How should I not have known
Isaiah would be there,
his prophecies fulfilled?
With pounding heart I stare:
a Child, a Son,
the Prince of Peace--
for me.

Can I, will I forget
how Love was born and burned
its way into my heart--
unasked, unforced, unearned,
to die, to live,
and not alone
for me.
--Jaroslav J. Vajda (1919-2008)

I'm sorry if this hurts you. It hurts me, too. But it hurts less then when we were together. I'm not sure you understand how bad it was at the end.

Finally, for about the first time ever, I like myself. That's the end. I like myself because of who God made me. Before, I liked myself because you loved me. The other day, I was going over in my head all of the reasons we fought. Or at least the reasons we named. And most of the time, they were "my fault," character traits that I needed to change if we were ever going to work. And I was listing them off in my head, and most of them were traits that I liked about myself. I like that I'm stubborn. I like that I'm impulsive and emotional and passionate. I like that I tend to not filter my opinions about something. And if these were problems in our relationship, then the problem wasn't me. It was the relationship.

I feel like I should apologize for finally being happy, because it means that you're unhappy. But I'm not apologizing. I won't do it.

Someday, you're going to find someone who's perfect for you.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for graduation. In so many different ways. I'm nowhere NEAR having my projects and papers done.

I'm also not ready to be graduated, to be a college graduate, to be an "adult," whatever that means. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. I have a few different options, geographically that would all hold great possibilities for me. But I don't know which one to choose. I really need some guidance here, God. Help me out, please?

And...this week my ex re-friended me on Facebook. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I realize it's only facebook, and facebook friends aren't exactly like real friends, but I don't know if I can be friends with him just yet.

And I'm not ready to leave Kapelle. I know I've been over this before. But the feeling still lingers.

I'm just not ready.

Well, last week was my senior recital. And if you weren't there, you missed out. Because it was AWESOME.

It feels kind of surreal to have it all be over. I mean, it's the one thing you work towards for your entire college career, and it's over in 30 minutes. In a way, it's kind of a let-down, and a little anticlimactic.

I feel the need to learn a super hard aria that's way past my skill level in order to fill the void.

"Grand" adventure does not equal "Fun" adventure

So, I spent Thanksgiving in Louisville, Kentucky visiting my Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother. So on Tuesday night, I had a grand adventure driving down from Chicago. And by "grand," I really mean "SUPER LONG."

Let me preface by saying this: GOOGLE MAPS IS STUPID.

They had me get off of I90 onto some dinky little Indiana State road. Their logic was to take me from this state road, to I80, then to I65. The dinky little state road was CLOSED. So I went to follow the detour. And got lost. Twice. First I got lost because of the stupid inadequate detour that ended NOWHERE. And then after I called Dad and got directions back to the highway from him, I turned the wrong way. And got lost again. So FINALLY I got back to I90, with the aid of the wonderful Samantha, who told me that I should never have gotten off I90 in the first place, because it connects with I65! So I get to I65 eventually, blah blah and I'm driving and it takes forever, yada yada.

And then about 70 miles from Louisville, traffic on I65 (IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!) stops, and is crawling for MILES on end. There is an hour-long traffic jam in the middle of nowhere for NO reason.

The point of the story? What should have been an easy 5 hour drive, became an 8 HOUR drive.

Needless to say, I'm definitely going to hate driving for a while.

Theatre is like life

As part of my porfolio for my senior project, I have to write a reflection on what theatre is. I was kind of intimidated by this, because theatre covers a broad spectrum of things. But basically the conclusion I came to was that theatre is like life.

I'll explain.

Example one: we are in control and in no control at the same time. We can control our actions, our words, the decisions we make from day to day. But ultimately, we are not in control. God is in control of our lives. In theatre, as a director, you can control almost everything that happens; you can control which actors to cast, you can shape their performance and interpretation of their character, you can control the blocking, you can even control the tech elements to some extent. But once the performance starts, you are NOT in control. What happens onstage is no longer under your power. I realize that this analogy breaks down if you analyze it too much, but that's true for all analogies.

Example two: In theatre, everyone is interdependent. It is a collaborative effort, and each person must do their part well for the whole to be successful. It's the same with life. Life is a collaborative effort. You can't just go through life alone and a hermit. As humans, we are made to need each other, and consequently we are interdependent.

This is why I think theatre is immensely important. It has so many lessons to teach us.