Light bulb moment!

Um, so I think I just became okay with not having a "life plan." Whatever that means. I have no idea where my future is headed, or what kind of career I want to pursue. But I think I just became okay with that. I think God is trying to tell me I need to be content with the present, instead of constantly worrying about my future, about what I'm going to do with my life. I think I need to be content with NOW. And I also need to learn to love myself and be content with who I am. Because, to be honest, I haven't had that in a long time. If it's seemed like I was comfortable with myself recently, I was probably faking. It was kind of like God turned a light bulb on in my head the last couple of days. So today, with that combined with an AMAZING Sunday morning at my friend Tiff's church, I've been legitimately and genuinely happy all day today. And I just wanted to share. :)

Okay, I FOR REAL need to get away from work for a while. I feel like I'm turning into a crazy bitch who's grouchy all the time. (Or is that part of my nature? I'm not sure sometimes...) I'm tired of talking to stupid people and mean people and people born with a stick up their ass, and, to be honest, being around the SAME people ALL THE TIME. Except for my manager, Tiff. She and I are like besties now. I'm entirely convinced God sent her to my life. (Okay, so Tiff's not the only exception. Niccole's cool, too.) But the sucky part is I can't get away until September. Like, the middle of September. That's when we have like, a two week break where we don't have shows. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to Chicago, to see all the awesome people I left behind when I graduated last December. But September feels so far away. I might have seriously gone off the deep end by then.

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guiltie of dust and sinne.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If Ilack'dany thing.
A guest, I answer'd, worthy to be here:
Love said, you shall be he.
"I the unkinde, ungratefull? Ah my deare,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?
Truth Lord, but I have marr'd them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, sayes Love, who bore the blame?
My deare, then I will serve.
You must sit down, sayes Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

-George Herbert

Things I should have said...

-I should have screamed out at you "NO! You're wrong! This is dumb!" Instead of just taking it. I was young, and stupid, and surprised. No. Surprised is the wrong word. Floored.
-I miss what might have been for us. There's a little part of my heart that longs for it whenever I think of you.
-You saved my life. I'm thoroughly convinced that God Himself placed you in my life. It is no accident we became friends.
-It's hard for me to look back on us and not feel sad. I feel sorrow, shame, and most of all, regret. All I see are the bad things about us. I would take most of it back, if I could. I would in a heartbeat, and I would give almost anything if I could.
-You have this annoying little skill. You have this amazing ability to make me angry and then make me forget all about it.
-I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend to you. You're the greatest, most Christ-like person I know.
-You do NOT know NEARLY as much as you think you do, you arrogant jerk-face.
-You are INSANELY talented, and I think you underestimate yourself WAY too much.
-I hate that we didn't get along for so long, and I keep thinking of ways it could have been different for us, but...I fail.
-You are for serious my favorite person, even though I don't really show it most of the time.

Update, I guess?

I haven't really been that into the internet lately. I've been working a lot, and so when I come home all I really want to do is crash on my big comfy chair and be a vegetable. But someone told me this week that they missed my blogs, so here I am, trying to write again.

Many things have happened since I wrote last. I went to Bri and G's wedding and realized how much I miss my friends from Concordia. Sometimes my heart aches when I think about them, I miss them so much. (Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I wonder if my years at college really WERE the best years of my life. I miss everyone so much.)

Work has been...interesting. One of my co-workers was a really toxic person. The kind of person who pretends to be everyone's best friend but is really spreading animosity, division and is ultimately poison disguised as a human. I know this may sound harsh, but it felt like Satan trying to wear down my soul. I was considering quitting my job because of her. But she's no longer employed at the theatre. And now it feels so much more relaxed there. I never really struggled much with being "in" the world but not "of" the world until I knew her. It was so easy to slip into her gossip and drama. It was definitely a learning experience, and while she caused a lot of pain, I'm a little grateful I went through it. I think it was a lesson I needed to learn. Maybe I've said too much. I can only hope she doesn't read this. She knows where I live.


Speaking of work, my manager is awesome. She has become one of my best friends. I truly believe God sent her to me.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'll try and think of something cleverer to say next time.

Things that make me nostalgic

1. Burt's Bees
2. Ted Drewes
3. clear nights that are just the right balance of warm and cool
4. X-Files
5. Sunsets
6. Woodchuck
7. Boddingtons
8. Sitting on kitchen floors
9. Autumn
10. Things that say "gluten free" on them
11. grape juice
12. IHOP
13. the doxology, sung in harmony
14. Cantique de Jean Racine
15. tuxedos
16. complementary hotel items
17. wind chimes
18. lakes
19. Donnie Darko
20. Hobbits
21. 7-11
22. and about a billion other things that I couldn't possibly name. Just know that if you're reading this, then I'm thinking of you. :)

Redeeming Love

I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers today. It's a work of fiction based on the book of Hosea. And it's so amazing. Life-changing even. Personally, I feel like it captures God's longing after us better than the book of Hosea. The book of Hosea is full of God's wrath and anger (both of which are righteous, I might add) against Israel. The first few chapters are okay. Hosea marries a prostitute. She bears him children whom Hosea gives names like "No Mercy" and "Not my people." Then it talks about how God is angry at Hosea's wife, not even showing her children mercy. Hosea's wife runs away from him. God softens her heart and she returns to Hosea, and the book goes on to tell of God's mercy towards Israel. But then it turns sour again. Hosea's wife runs away and the rest of the book talks of God's judgement on Israel for turning away from Him.

But Redeeming Love has so much more mercy and grace in it. I don't want to say to much about it, it'll spoil it. But it not just depicts God as having righteous anger, but also being incredibly loving and merciful beyond all human comprehension, a quality I feel the book of Hosea lacks.

But I don't really blame him. Sure, the book is the inspired word of God, but the author still has his own point of view. Take the gospels, for example. There are stories that occur in all four gospels, but which are very different from each other. Back to my point. I can understand why it reads all wrath and anger. If my spouse, a spouse God told me I should marry, one whom I still love, kept cheating on me and running away, I'd be pretty angry too.

But the moral of the story is, read Redeeming Love. That's a command. Not a request. You'll thank me later.