The time the Earth stood still

Lost in a sea of right and wrong,
Should and shouldn't,
Do and do not,
Yours is the only face I see.

None of that seemed to matter,
My head swimming with wine,
The sunlight on our skin,
Your arms around me.


That moment was all I could make sense of,
The sheer bliss of being held by someone,
When the whole world melts away.


And even now,
Even after,
I long to be back there.


In that instant,
That instant of abandon,
It was all I wanted for you to kiss me,
The time the Earth stood still.

-LCM, 10/25/11

I Think I Watch Too Much Law & Order

Everyone has fears. Some are logical, and make sense. Some are silly and irrational and serve no good purpose. I have some of those.

1. Being Killed In My Sleep. 
2. Open Doors While I Sleep. I cannot sleep if the door to the room, or the closet door is open while I sleep. This is directly related to #1. I'm afraid someone will creep in the open door and kill me before I ever hear them come in.
3. Being Alone At Night. My roommate and I keep a metal softball bat in our front hall closet. When she's away, I have to keep it on the floor next to my bed while I sleep. This is also related to #1.
4. Looking Into Mirrors In The Dark. It's the whole "Bloody Mary" thing that grade school kids do. They scarred me for life.
5. Showering At Night. I never saw Psycho, but I know the pretty girl gets killed in the shower. I'm always terrified that someone is going to pull back the curtain and attack me with a knife. Again, related to #1.

So basically, the moral of the story, is that I have an irrational fear of being killed in my apartment. I think I watch too much Law & Order.

(I must confess I didn't come up with this post on my own. I read a list of irrational fears on another blog. I think it was here. Or here. I can't quite remember. Oops.)

Things I Learned When I Was 24

(My birthday was last Tuesday. I turned 25.)

• Protect your heart. But not too much. If you're too protective, you'll shut out the ones who really care about you.
• It's okay to be lonely.
• It's okay to make mistakes. They're not the end of the world. Try your best. Apologize sincerely if you hurt someone. Most of the time people will be able to forgive your mistakes.
• Sometimes, life hurts. 
• You can do more than you think you can.
• You will lose people you love. And it will hurt. Badly. And the most random things will remind you of them and send tears down your face. It's okay to cry.
• God wants you to enjoy His creation. Get off your phone or computer and GO OUTSIDE.

25 is going to be AWESOME. I just know it.

I Will Allure Her, And Bring Her Into The Wilderness

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, 

and bring her into the wilderness,

and speak tenderly to her.

I've been reading the first part of the book of Hosea a lot lately. A LOT. Almost every day. God is really trying to reach me, using this specific book. 

To fill you in, if you aren't familiar with the book of Hosea, it's a story. It's the story of the prophet Hosea. God told Hosea to go marry a prostitute named Gomer. Yep. A prostitute. Someone who was destined to be unfaithful to him. 

Hosea was a living illustration of Israel's relationship with God. Israel's history was a constant running away from and going back to God. Over and over Israel would turn away from God and then repent. 

This is the story of Hosea and Gomer. Gomer would leave Hosea, then he would bring her back, then she would leave again. Over and over.

I feel as though I've been like Gomer. I've been unfaithful to God. I haven't made a relationship with him a priority. I've been going to church, but it's mostly been going through the motions for me. I forget him for work, friends, etc. 

I build walls around my heart to protect myself from the hurt I'm feeling, and I shut out God in the process. I recognize that in order for God to heal me, I'll have to hurt more. And it scares me. So I run away.

Last week or so, I picked up my Bible and read the book of Hosea for the first time in a long time. And one passage really resonated with me.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, 

and bring her into the wilderness,

and speak tenderly to her.

Hosea 2:14

The past year or more, I've been unhappy. I'm unhappy living in Branson. I'm lonely. But at the same time, God is trying desperately to reach me, to change me, to win me. 

Is this making any sense? I suppose I'm still looking for an explanation as to why I'm in Branson. I'm trying to find something I can learn from all this. I feel like I've been operating without a purpose for so long. I've been operating without God for too long.

I think this is my wilderness, this stage of life I'm in. God has led me out into the wilderness to teach me. And I'm trying desperately to listen.

Goodbye, Television

I couldn't sleep last night. So what did I do? I turned on the TV.

I channel-flipped until I realized something.

The commercials.

For skin products.

Make-up.

Hair products.

Workout DVDs.

Diet programs.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all.

I'm sick of turning on the TV and being bombarded with messages telling me that I'm not good enough.

I have too much acne. I'm too fat. My hair is too frizzy. I don't wear the right clothes. I'm not good enough.

And I believe it. Every time. Every time, I buy into the lies they're feeding me. Lies the devil wants me to believe. Lies that say God's love isn't enough, that say He didn't make me beautiful.

And I'm so damn sick of it.

Because I need to believe I'm beautiful just the way I am.

I need to believe that God's love is enough for me, that I don't need anyone else's approval.

I need to believe that I don't need to wear the right clothes, have the right hair, be skinny enough. 

I'm done. I'm so done with television. It's nothing but lies and manipulation and commercialism, and I'm done.

Just...Beautiful

If you know me, you know I'm not really. . . athletic, or outdoorsy. But for some reason, that's changing this week.

On Saturday I agreed to go hiking with a coworker and her son, on a whim.

And I loved it.

So I went back a couple days later, by myself, and got these beautiful sights:

I realized how much I've been missing. I've been missing God's beautiful creation. It's for us. He wants us to get out and enjoy it. The flowers, the green trees in summer, golden leaves in fall, white snow in winter, sunrises and sunsets. It's all for us.

My Day Was a Venti Mocha Frappucino

This was a conversation I overheard at work today, an encounter through the drive-thru between a coworker of mine, "M," and a customer he was taking an order from. (Okay so it's mostly paraphrased. I have a poor memory for conversations.)

M: How is your day so far?

Customer: Venti Mocha Frappuccino with two shots of espresso.

M: So, your day is a Venti Mocha Frappuccino with two shots of espresso?

Customer: Yes.

M: Okay, so you said your day was a Venti Mocha Frappucino with two shot?

Customer: Yes.

Yes. You read that right. The customer agreed to the statement that her day was a drink, that the descriptor of how her day was going was her drink order.

You can probably tell from my post this past Wednesday that I am infuriated by people who don't listen or acknowledge each other in any way.

It infuriates me that people are more concerned with talking or texting on their cell phones than looking each other in the eye.

To me that's ultimate disrespect.

When someone you're interacting with won't even look you in the eye.

It doesn't matter that I'm only selling you your $6 cup of coffee. Is it really that hard to get off your phone and talk to me like I'm a human being, instead of a coffee robot?

Okay, yes, I confess I went through the checkout at Walmart the other day while on my cell phone. No one is perfect. But for serious, I do actually feel guilty about it.

The point is, this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I'd rather someone talk to me and be verbally abusive toward me than ignore my existence completely.

It never ceases to baffle me just how often people don't listen to each other. When did this happen? How long has this been going on? The sad part is that I don't see an end to it. As long as people are obsessed with their fancy phones and texting and the internet, people won't even care about each other.