Tuesday, November 29, 2011

How Disney Ruined My Life

As a preface,
I'm sorry, internet friends.
I'm a terrible blogger.
I just haven't had much to say lately.
I've been caught up in work,
NaNoWriMo, (Which I'm losing, by the way!)
reading lots of books,
and some other stuff.
But I'll try and be a better blog friend. I promise.

The other night, I couldn't sleep. What else is new, right? But this time, it was Disney's fault. 

Yep. I just blamed Disney for my insomnia. (But by the time this post is done, that's not the only thing I'll blame Disney for.) The topic my brain was musing on was the title of this post. How Disney ruined my life. 

Don't get me wrong. Disney is awesome and they put out some great, entertaining movies. I was raised on Disney movies, as were so many other girls.

But Disney had a way of twisting fairy tales (which were originally slightly frightening stories, most of whose goal was to scare small children into behaving.) into a story where the discouraged, down-and-out, misfit heroine meets a handsome prince and lives happily ever after. 

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Snow White: (1937) A certain friend of mine, whose favorite fairy tale is Snow White, is probably saying "Now hold on just a minute!" But hang in with me, friends. 
Now, I get that Snow White is just a victim here. Her evil stepmother is pissed because Snow White is prettier, so she wants her dead. It's not Snow White's fault she has to hide in the forest. It's not her fault she bites a poisoned apple. It's not her fault.

Moral of the Story: If you have a wicked stepmother who has it out for you, and you end up in a coma with a bunch of dwarves keeping watch over you, don't worry. A prince will come along and kiss your corpse-like lips and you'll live happily ever after.  

What we learned from Disney: If you end up in a coma, all you need is a prince to kiss you.

Cinderella: (1950) Now, with this one, I'm starting to think Disney is trying to tell us something about stepmothers.

Again, I get that Cinderella is a victim. It's not her fault her mom is dead. It's not her fault her father married a huge b****, who has two evil little children. 

Moral of the Story: If you have a stepmother and stepsisters, they'll mistreat you, and make you do all the cleaning. But don't worry, just be submissive and sweet and invisible, and you'll get by just fine.

What we learned from Disney: If your life sucks, your fairy godmother will fix it so that you'll marry a prince.

Sleeping Beauty: (1959) Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Sleeping Beauty. Prince Phillip is my FAVORITE Disney prince. There's nothing like slaying a dragon that proves a man loves you.

Again, Aurora is a victim. It's not her fault her stupid parents forgot to invite Maleficent to the party. (Hell, I'd be pissed, too if I didn't get an invite to the party of the century.) It's not her fault nobody told her if she touched a spinning wheel she'd go into a coma. (Again, with the comas!) 

Moral of the Story: If touching a spinning wheel sends you into a coma, don't worry. If you fall in love with a boy you just meet and then have to leave him because you're a princess, don't worry. Don't worry, because he's the prince you're already engaged to.

What we learned from Disney: A man you just met will always be there to risk life and limb and slay a dragon for you.

The Little Mermaid: (1989) Imagine my delight as a little red-headed child, to have a Disney movie come out with a heroine WHO HAS RED HAIR. During bathtime, and when we went swimming, I used to lay back, swish my hair back and forth and pretend I was Ariel. And that picture to the right? I totally did that pose on the edge of the bathtub.

But when you get right down to it, this is one of the most messed up movies of all. 

Ariel, I get it. You're 16 and no one understands you. Your controlling, overbearing father won't let you above the ocean and explore. You're the victim here. It's not like humans won't capture you and exploit you for being a freak or anything. They're completely trustworthy, and your father is wrong. 

Yeah, right.

This version of the story by Hans Christian Andersen is kind of a piece of crap. Did you know that instead of being rewarded for rebellion, in the original story our lovely heroine kills herself? Yep. That's right. She kills herself because Eric falls in love with someone else.

Moral of the Story: If you're 16 and fall in love with a guy a different species than you, don't worry. Don't worry because the sea witch will steal your voice (the one thing you have going for you) and turn you into a human. If you run away from home and disobey your parents, don't worry.

What we learned from Disney: If you disobey every order your parents give you because they love you, it's okay, because in the end, you'll get rewarded for it. You'll marry a handsome prince who is a different species than you are, and your dad will look on with happiness thinking, "I'm so glad she disobeyed me."

I could go on, but I won't. These are, in my opinion, the worst offenders Disney has to offer. The basic thing Disney is teaching us? "Someday my prince will come." Thanks to Disney, girls and women everywhere are waiting for Prince Charming to wake us from our coma, for Prince Phillip to slay a dragon for us, for Prince Eric to love us even though we're freaks.

We're waiting for Happily Ever After. But the truth is, Happily Ever After just doesn't exist. 

People aren't perfect. Relationships aren't perfect. 

A fact that Disney continually and conveniently overlooks.

So thanks, Disney. Thanks for my unreasonable expectations for romance and relationships. Way to go.


  1. God I love Disney. Not the point of the post, but I love their totally terrible movies.

    Also, I've been blaming Disney for my money troubles for two weeks now.


  2. You totally did that Ariel pose at the living room window all the time too. You'd sing the song, and just at the point Ariel pushes up off the rock, you'd push yourself up off the windowsill. HI-LAR-I-OUS!

    One of my favorite memories of you :-)