Sunday, December 13, 2009

Maybe this will make you understand...

Music isn't a hobby. It isn't something I do in my spare time. Music is MY LIFE. Music is the gift that God gave me, and all I want to do is to sing. All I want to do is to use my voice and praise Him.

I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be a choir conductor anymore (it makes me nervous and agitated and I hate the feelings of not being in control that go along with it). You need to accept this. Actually, you don't. I don't care whether or not you accept it. I don't need you to. I'm done trying to prove myself to you.

I don't care that you think that singing isn't something to devote your life to. I love singing more than just about anything. Why shouldn't I try to make a living off of it?

I guess I just need to accept that some people just won't understand.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

"Were not our hearts burning within us...?"

Where Shepherds Lately Knelt

Where shepherds lately knelt,
and kept the angel's word,
I come in half-belief,
a pilgrim strangely stirred;
but there is room
and welcome there
for me.

In that unlikely place
I find him as they said:
sweet, newborn Babe, how frail!
and in a manger bed:
a still small Voice
to cry one day
for me.

How should I not have known
Isaiah would be there,
his prophecies fulfilled?
With pounding heart I stare:
a Child, a Son,
the Prince of Peace--
for me.

Can I, will I forget
how Love was born and burned
its way into my heart--
unasked, unforced, unearned,
to die, to live,
and not alone
for me.
--Jaroslav J. Vajda (1919-2008)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm sorry if this hurts you. It hurts me, too. But it hurts less then when we were together. I'm not sure you understand how bad it was at the end.

Finally, for about the first time ever, I like myself. That's the end. I like myself because of who God made me. Before, I liked myself because you loved me. The other day, I was going over in my head all of the reasons we fought. Or at least the reasons we named. And most of the time, they were "my fault," character traits that I needed to change if we were ever going to work. And I was listing them off in my head, and most of them were traits that I liked about myself. I like that I'm stubborn. I like that I'm impulsive and emotional and passionate. I like that I tend to not filter my opinions about something. And if these were problems in our relationship, then the problem wasn't me. It was the relationship.

I feel like I should apologize for finally being happy, because it means that you're unhappy. But I'm not apologizing. I won't do it.

Someday, you're going to find someone who's perfect for you.