I googled myself today.

Apparently I'm a singer/songwriter, with a mediocre voice. Here is my website: www.leahmartin.com. I'm also a wedding photographer in Kansas City. I was looking for a way to procrastinate and decided to google myself, which I've never done before. I was kind of hoping to find that I was a criminal or something, but found nothing of the sort.

Wings of the Morning

I sang this song in chapel yesterday with Resonanz, and it's been on my mind and heart. It's "Wings of the Morning" by Caedmon's Call. It's from their "Share the Well" CD, where they went to India and a number of other countries and were inspired to write an album about their experience. Not only does this song remind me of how infinite God's love is, but it also inspires me to... I don't know, help someone I guess. I want God to use me to help bring as many people as I can to Him. I want everyone to know how much God loves them.

I woke to the sirens of the city
They were calling me to hold my head up high
But the truth was in the dust that hangs like curtains
From the beggars to the sky

The ads and billboards rained in every language
The message every politician knows
When we're fed that we are nothing we'll believe it
And then do what we are told

The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down

On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

Ask any good detective, he will tell you
It's the eyes that always give the truth away
And in yours I see the fear that's bound and gagged you
With no hope for escape

It's true that we are fallen as an angel
But you and me, we're also holy as a prayer
Made in the image of a giver and a lover
Who left His throne to come down here

The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down

On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

We will rise, rise on the wings of the morning
Though we hide, hide in the shadows of the night
There is hope, hope in the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...

Hope is rising ... on the wings of the morning
Hope is rising ... in the shadows of the night
Hope is rising ... from the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight ...

Crazy Randomocity

Right now, I have an intense desire to write for some reason, even though I'm a mediocre writer-poetry, stories, even blogs, you name it. I don't have very much confidence in my writing, even though I'm writing a play for my senior project next semester.

The past couple of days have been okay. The beginning of the week was not so hot, though. Stuff happened over the weekend that I'm not really at liberty to talk about because, well, it's over and done with now and doesn't really matter. But anyway, at the beginning of the week I was hung up over that and it caused me to get even more easily frustrated than I normally am. Which, in itself, was frustrating. But the past couple of days have been better.

Lately I've been working out 2-3 times a week, doing cardio for around an hour, and some strength exercises if I have time. And I definitely think it's been beneficial in ways other than for my body. Each day that I work out, afterwards I'm in such a wonderful mood for the rest of the day. I love endorphins. I'm hoping that as I continue to work out that my mood will stabilize, and I'll start to be able to control my emotions and be a more enjoyable person to be around. Because right now, I just don't feel like I'm someone anyone wants to be around. I wouldn't want to be around me either. But this could be because I've been feeling kind of disconnected and lonely lately. My roommates are always busy, and when I try to hang out with friends on campus, it rarely ever works out for one reason or another. I guess I just need to quit bitching about it, because I know there are tons of productive things that I could be doing instead.

Hmm. I guess that might be it for now, although I still feel unsatisified. I might go to bed early tonight. And by early, I mean before 10. Sleeping is my fourth favorite thing. 1 is Jesus. 2 is Shannon. 3 is food. Actually it might be a tie between food and sleeping. It's a tough call.

I need God's peace, and a little patience

My chest feels heavy. Or perhaps more appropriately, my heart feels heavy. I'm dizzy, and my hands are shaking. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. And I feel like crying. I mean really crying, like ugly, messy, sobbing until my eyes are dry.

I came to Caribou this evening with the intention of getting work done, and now I have no concentration and work ethic.

Last night I slept 14+ hours. Is that unhealthy? I got no more than a sum of 9 hours the previous two nights. It could be argued that my body was catching up. But even after more than 14 hours of sleep last night, I still want to sleep. That's all I want to do. Sleep has become a major escape for me lately. When I just want to get away from the world and all of the shit that's been going on lately, I sleep. And eat. Sleep and stress eat.

I want to be happy. And I want to not be so angry all of the time. I feel this intense anger inside of me all the time, and I don't know how or why it got there, nor how to get rid of it. And I want to not be lonely. I've lost one roommate to graduation, and another to student teaching and her boyfriend. I never see her. (Don't mistake me, I'm not angry at her for it. These things just happen.) And so when I am at the apartment, I'm lonely. And I'm so disconnected from my friends at school, so I never see them, either. So Reader's Digest version: Leah hates her life.

And I've prayed about all of this, and I know that it'll get better, that God will work some good into my life. My problem is that I want it to be instant, even though I know it doesn't work that way. God's will works on HIS terms, not ours. It's hard being patient.

I feel a little better having gotten all of this out. Not a ton better, but a little.