Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm sorry if this hurts you. It hurts me, too. But it hurts less then when we were together. I'm not sure you understand how bad it was at the end.

Finally, for about the first time ever, I like myself. That's the end. I like myself because of who God made me. Before, I liked myself because you loved me. The other day, I was going over in my head all of the reasons we fought. Or at least the reasons we named. And most of the time, they were "my fault," character traits that I needed to change if we were ever going to work. And I was listing them off in my head, and most of them were traits that I liked about myself. I like that I'm stubborn. I like that I'm impulsive and emotional and passionate. I like that I tend to not filter my opinions about something. And if these were problems in our relationship, then the problem wasn't me. It was the relationship.

I feel like I should apologize for finally being happy, because it means that you're unhappy. But I'm not apologizing. I won't do it.

Someday, you're going to find someone who's perfect for you.

1 comment:

  1. I'm going to comment on this just because I feel like I need to. Or because I want to. I'm not sure which.

    As far as I'm concerned, we fought because I didn't appreciate things. Frankly, I like that you're impulsive and emotional and passionate, too. I wouldn't have had any fun with a dull stick-in-the-mud. And the fact that you are blunt with your opinions WAS a good thing, even though I refused to see it that way at times. The stubbornness only bothered me because I'm equally stubborn (i.e. driving around St. Louis for forever looking for a dang Fridays). But, when things happened that hurt my feelings, my first reaction was to figure out why it happened and come up with a "solution" for it. But, after thinking about it a lot, I'm realizing more and more that you shouldn't have had to change yourself. And I was a huge jerk for asking it of you. It's no wonder you felt like crap all the time.

    When I fell in love with you, it was BEFORE you starting worrying about changing all that stuff. Once we started talking about changing stuff, you started resenting it and I started getting impatient, and so on. But, I know that these realizations are too little too late. I just felt that it was important to say them.

    The last thing I'll say is this: I'm not unhappy because you're happy. I'm unhappy because I screwed up what should have been my "happily ever after". There was literally nothing wrong with "us" other than the fact that I couldn't appreciate what I had and had to keep trying to change things.

    Maybe I will find someone someday, but the thing is, I don't want to.