Where are you Christmas?

I've been trying to think of something poignant to say here about Advent or Christmas, like I manage to do most other years. But nothing's coming to me. There's just nothing.

The truth about it is, I just haven't really gotten into Christmas this year. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed putting up the tree with my roommate, I enjoyed looking at the pretty Christmas lights at Silver Dollar City, I've even enjoyed going to a couple of Christmas shows here in town.

But nothing's touched my heart yet.

And part of the reason is, I think, because my "ritual" this year is different. Every year for five years, I had Lessons and Carols at Concordia as part of my Christmas ritual. I had the music to teach me something new about Christ's birth, to remind me of the important things of Christmas. I would sing at Lessons and Carols and then something in my mind would go, "Okay, NOW it's Christmas."

This is the first year in five years that I haven't been to Lessons and Carols. In the scope of an entire human life span, five years isn't really that long. But relative to my short 24 years, it's a huge chunk of time, especially when those five years were spent at such an influential place for me.

Right now the song from The Grinch, "Where Are You Christmas?" comes to mind. A little cliche, I know. But these few lyrics seem particularly pertinent to my life right now:

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

My life is completely different from the way it was one year ago. I'm an adult, living on my own, paying my own bills. It just never occurred to me that maybe I would need to find something new to put me "in the Christmas spirit." It just doesn't feel like Christmas to me this year. And it makes me sad.

I wish that at the end of this post, I could find some sort of redemption, some sort of optimism like the end of "Where Are You Christmas?" At the end of the song, the speaker somehow finds what they need to experience Christmas. But this year, for me, it just feels so...

unspecial.

I know that's not a word. I made it up. I'm allowed.

The point is, my heart isn't in it this year. And I don't know why, or how to change it.