Jaded

I'm not sure why I do this anymore. Facebook statuses, twitter updates, weekly blogs.

Is it because I think I have something genuinely interesting to contribute to the blogosphere?

I'm not sure. I don't think so.

I think I really just want people to like me. I have a tendency to care entirely too much about what people think of me, to desire others' good opinions too much.

I think my motive in all this is that I want people to like me.

I'm starting to realize how pointless this all is.

I'm taking a break from all this for a while. I'm staying off the internet for a while, and that includes this blog. If you're disappointed, I'm sorry. I'm just out of things to say. I'll still check my email, so you can reach me there, if you care.

Hidden Away

Days later, she could still feel traces he'd left behind. His hands on her hips, his arms around her waist, the way he cradled her head when he embraced her goodbye. She could still remember what it felt like, and she longed to be back there, back to those late nighttime hours before she left, before they both had to go back to real life. With his arms around her, it had taken everything she had to keep from kissing him. She knew, even then, once she kissed him, that was it; the last line of defense around her heart would be broken, and then she would be left to his mercy.

Later, they'd said it was because they were both lonely and broken that they'd let it happen; they were starving for a little bit of comfort. And that was probably true. They really were both lonely and broken, and starving for comfort. The thought had even occurred to her, that everything that night had been a mistake, even believed it for a while. She had to tell herself something to keep from falling apart. She had to tell herself she didn't want him, that it was all wrong, the words they said, her kiss on his forehead. She knew she was getting in too deep, and that this time it could wreck her for good. Especially after the complicated history they shared.

He'd said it would never work, it would only end badly. It would be good for a while, but then it wouldn't. He'd been too afraid of hurting her, certain he would break her heart. But the truth hit her like a freight train one night. She didn't believe any of it, not a word. It wasn't a mistake. She didn't regret it at all. She longed for him, his hands on her waist, her hands running through his hair. The thing she really regretted was not kissing him when she had the chance. It struck her full in the chest, knocking the wind out of her. She loved him, and perhaps always would.

This wasn't something she wanted to realize. This was something she'd rather had stayed buried deep down in a corner of her heart. Because in the end, the knowledge served no good purpose. It only emphasized just how far away from her he was, just how fully unattainable. So she did what she always did to cope. She tucked it away again, forgot she ever realized something so momentous, pretended it was just another pointless piece of trivia to file away in the back of her mind. She pretended her heart didn't fill with longing every time her phone showed a missed call from him, every time she saw a picture of him, every time he crept back into her mind. She'd spent a lifetime trying to perfect the art of controlling her emotions, of keeping them hidden away. How hard could it be to forget that she loved him?

Music

Today's Why Wednesday post, believe it or not, is not a bad "Why?" It is not a "Why?" filled with contempt, disdain, and overall fury at the horrid state of affairs in our society today.

"What? Leah's being positive?" you may ask yourself. "Did I wake up in an alternate universe?"

I assure you my friend, you did not.

In addition to a positive "Why?" today's topic is also a "How?" of sorts.

But enough preamble. On to the post.

Every time I listen to a brilliant piece of music that speaks to my soul, I am left in awe.

Music's ability to give voice to those deep-rooted feelings in our soul, the ones we have no description for, is at once glorious and inexplicable.

Brilliant music has the ability to open old, closed over wounds of the heart and at the same time, heal them, sometimes without even using words.

I am always left baffled, amazed, and thankful by wonderful music. It is truly a sign that God loves us.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite pieces, Cantique de Jean Racine, composed by Gabriel Faure, and performed by the Cambridge Singers.

Last Friday Night

I have a confession to make.

I like Katy Perry.

There, I said it.

Yes, despite my judgmental
tirade about the state of contemporary music,
I like Katy Perry.
I'm really just a big hypocrite.

It's not something I'm proud of.

But I can't help it.

Her songs are just so damn catchy.

Plus, the video for her latest single,
"Last Friday Night"
boasts a REALLY impressive celebrity cast.
Enjoy!

Think Before You Speak

In the past four months or so I've worked at Starbucks, I've experienced no end of people who interact with me like I'm expendable, simply because I make their $4 cup of coffee. And if you've ever worked a job which requires you to serve something to another person, you've experienced it as well. No matter how many times I'm treated like a non-person, it always leaves me asking "Why?"

Why must you order from me and never once look me in the eye?

Why must you take on a snotty tone in your voice when I ask if you want your drink hot or iced, as if I should have read your mind for the answer?

Why must you blame me for not taking you $100 bill, when it's not my fault I don't have the equivalent of a bank vault in my cash drawer?

Why must you repeat your order to me like I'm a four-year-old, when I simply didn't hear you the first time?


Why must you treat me like you're better than me, simply because I'm the one who makes your coffee at Starbucks, or your Big Mac at McDonald's, or checks out your groceries at Walmart?

Just because I serve you something, doesn't mean it's okay for you to treat me like crap.

Just take a minute and think before you speak? Ask yourself this question:

Would you like it if someone spoke to you the way you're about to speak to me?

Unalienable Rights

Many of you know I'm not much for holidays. I tend not to enjoy a lot of the commercialism that goes along with many holidays. July 4th included.

This July 4th I won't go to any parties or cookouts, or see any fireworks.

I'll be working. (Getting time and a half!)

But I'll also be counting my blessings.

I'll be thankful that I have the right to say that the people running our country are a bunch of selfish liars.

I'll be thankful that I have the right to believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins and rose from the dead.

I'll be thankful that I have the ability to have this blog.

To close, I'll leave you with an excerpt from The Declaration of Independence, signed July 4th, 1776:

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness—-That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.