bubble.

Ok. Hi. I know it's been a while. Sorry. It's not like anyone reads this anyway.

ANYWAY...

Last week was my last first week of school. At least until I go to grad school, but who knows when that'll be? Not me. And I survived. This week might be a little more challenging. I like the classes I'm taking pretty well, even though I'll have a full workload. I'm taking music lessons, senior recital, a stupid gen ed that I waited until the last minute to take, Interpersonal Communication (a class I could really use!), Choral Literature (which is a GRADUATE LEVEL class! I'm really nervous and excited about it all at once!), and senior project. Oh, and I'm working at the Early Childhood Center on top of that.

I must say, I'm pretty excited for my senior project. It's going to be a readers theatre program of Dr. Seuss books entitled "Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned from Dr. Seuss." I'll be emphasizing the fact that Dr. Seuss's books ALWAYS had a moral to the story. And they were useful, too: try new things, use your imagination, compromise, you can't run away from your problems. Things like that.

Also, I'm trying this new thing this semester called "being organized." I know. It's a big deal. You should be shocked. But I feel like this semester it's even more important for me to stay organized than it was last semester. Because of my senior project, which is all up to me to stay on schedule for, because of my recital, because of Choral Lit, and because of the fact that I'm still in a long distance relationship. If I can stay on top of all my school work and get it done in a timely manner, I can have more time to devote to my wonderful boyfriend.

I'm nervous about graduating. I'm not ready to enter the real real world. They tell you you're entering the real world when you graduate high school, but it's a lie. Okay, it's not a lie if you don't go to college, or you do go but you're paying for it yourself. For people like me who are in college and are still being helped by their parents, it's NOT the real world. And Concordia is REALLY super far from being the real world. It very much resembles living in a bubble. Hence the term "Concordia Bubble." I'm nervous to have to be kicked out of the bubble. I know that this has to happen, and that everything will ultimately be okay. But I'm still not ready yet. I'm not ready to be a grownup. I want to stay a college student just a while longer.

For a friend of mine...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

-"Fix You," Coldplay

Summer Reading

While I didn't find a job, I've read quite a few books this summer, to my delight. During the school year, I never get to read for pleasure.

Books I've read this summer:
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice

• Interview with the Vampire
• The Vampire Lestat
• Queen of the Damned
• The Tale of the Body Thief

Twilight and New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
Dead Man Walking by Sister Helen Prejean (well, mostly. I still have one chapter to go)

With the exception of the first and last books listed, the books I've read required little to no brain power. And I'm definitely okay with that. I'm all for books that make you think, but from time to time I do enjoy books that have little to no moral, cultural, or political significance.

For the most part, this summer has been very relaxing, and I'm sorry to see it end. I wish I could just stay home and read books.

Good vs. Bad

Sorry for yesterday's depressing, cryptic, emo-esque post. I needed to get it off my chest, but I couldn't be too specific.

Anyway, yesterday was good and bad.

Good:
I went to see Julie and Julia with my mom! We both really liked it! The whole middle section made me uncomfortable in an intangible, indescribable way. But I'm fairly certain that it was supposed to do that. Anyone who's seen it have input on this?

Bad:
Had an argument with someone. REALLY big argument. I still don't think I'm quite over it yet. And I don't know what to do about it.

Good:
I had a great phone conversation with my friend Tyler, who I haven't talked to since school ended. We didn't talk about the issues that were troubling me, just regular stuff, and that turned out to be far more beneficial than if I had ranted to him. We talked about my classes this semester, and how he's student teaching, and about how my apartment is 0.6 miles (I looked it up) from the house that he's moving into soon.

So, listing them off, it appears that yesterday was more good than bad. But the bad feels really bad. As bad as the two goods put together, if not worse.

suffocating
i feel
like
i'm suffocating
blood pounding
in my ears
can't hear
anything
heart racing
feels like
it'll jump
out of
my chest
i'm not
in control
a feeling
i hate
i'll open my eyes
and i'll
wake up . . .