I LOVE fall.

I decided that fall is my favorite season. I'm thankful that my last fall at Concordia was especially beautiful. This week, I decided to walk to school on Tuesday morning. It's a pretty nice walk from my apartment, just under 2 miles. It's all through residential neighborhoods, covered with trees whose leaves are turning gold. So on Tuesday, I was walking through Forest Park and River Forest, over sidewalks laden with beautiful golden leaves, thinking, "Please God, please let heaven be like this." Later that day, I was talking with my friend Chelsea about this. And she was remarking on how fall mirrors Christ's death. In the season of fall, there is so much beauty amidst all the the dying leaves. And Christ's death is, in a way, beautiful for us because through it, we are redeemed.

This evening, I was driving home at about 5:45 after PASSING my recital audition (!), just as the sun was setting. The golden light from the sunset was hitting the golden leaves from the trees, making the very air seem golden. It was so breathtaking. This year's fall, more than other years it seems, is making me notice God's glory and beauty more. Or perhaps my eyes are just more open this year.

The First Last

This past weekend marked the first of many lasts. It was my LAST Kapelle Tour. Yes, we still have a home concert to perform (which, by the way, is November 7 at 7:30pm), but that didn't make it any less sad. I'm going to keep focused on the home concert we still have and on lessons and carols, not on the fact that at the end of the semester I have to leave what has become family to me.

Shitty Reality Check

That's what I had today. Today, I realized just how stressed-out and sleep-deprived I am, thanks to a crappy voice lesson. There's this song that I'm doing on my recital that I'm really struggling with. I'm not sure how to give my voice teacher what she's asking of me for it. And I kind of freaked out. I haven't freaked out that badly in a lesson in, probably, at least a year. I ended up crying. But this made me realize that I'm super stressed out and scared about my recital audition, which I don't even know the date for. It's supposed to be a month before the recital date. That's TODAY. And I'm also stressing about my senior project, which I'm super behind on. I'm struggling to keep myself on task.

And I also started thinking hardcore today about all of my "lasts." Specifically, regarding Kapelle: my last tour (which is this weekend), my last home concert, and my last lessons and carols. And I damn near started crying. I'm so sad to be leaving Kapelle. I won't miss Concordia after I graduate, but I will miss Kapelle. Kapelle is family, and has been since sophomore year. I miss them already.

And we know it's never simple

Still struggling with these feelings of loneliness I mentioned a couple of posts ago. It's almost as if I need to be around other people to be something resembling content. I hate being by myself right now. That's kind of a foreign feeling to me. Normally, I'm perfectly content being by myself. But things don't feel normal right now. I do know that I'm better off now. I know that this break up is for the best. But that doesn't make this any less difficult to deal with. Shannon was a huge part of my life for so long, and being without him is still strange for me. But I know that I'm going to be okay.

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I'm so sorry...

A few weeks ago I watched a movie called Last Chance Harvey. It has Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson in it. It's a great movie, and you should go watch it. But both of the main characters...struggle socially, I guess is what I'll say. They always feel just on the outside of things when in a group of people. They feel rather like if they just didn't show up for social events, no one would really notice that much. And while it's a fantastic movie, it made me sad, and dredged up all sorts of unpleasant memories and feelings. Because most of my childhood, this experience and feeling has been the dominant one. And on occasion, it still is today. Like last night. Bri and G came up from STL to visit this weekend, and we all went to Molly Malone's. And it was a lot of fun, don't get me wrong. But every once in a while, I felt kind of a little bit, almost on the outside. And it was a little bit startling when I realized that I felt like that. Because it hadn't happened in a while. And now...I'm still sad because of it, and I'm afraid it'll happen the next time I'm in a group of people.

I guess I just feel so lonely lately. And I think it has to do with my breakup with Shannon. I guess I just miss having someone who I KNOW will ALWAYS be there for me. Because... (okay, confession time, here) I don't really trust my friends to always be there for me. Mostly because we've drifted apart, or because they've moved away. I guess I don't really trust anyone to always be there for me, and to never leave me.

If you respond with "Well Jesus is always there for you" I'll slap you silly. I know that for pete's sake. But that doesn't help me here. That doesn't get rid of my need for a PERSON who I can see, and touch, and spend time with to always be there for me.

And I'm sorry to all of you who are reading this, because more likely than not, we're friends or family. I'm sorry I don't trust you. I wish I did.

...I wish I had someone to hold me...

Read this blog I follow: http://french-graffiti.blogspot.com/2009/10/in-defense-of-roman-polanski.html

It's about Roman Polanski FINALLY being arrested for raping a girl in, what? 1960-whatever? Anyway. It's really good. And by good, I mean sad and sarcastically and sardonically funny and serious at the same time.

Can men and women really be friends?

My answer: No.

Let's take a look at a quote from the movie When Harry Met Sally, which centers on this question.

Harry: Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Okay, first of all, why don't we define "friendship." I think here, "friendship" means not just someone you talk to in class or at work or casually whenever you happen to run into them. I think here friendship includes going out of your way to make plans with this person, like lunch, coffee, or a movie. And here, friendship also includes mutual sharing of things you wouldn't ordinarily share with just anyone that you know.

I think that men and women cannot really be friends (using the above definition of friendship) without either or both of them having feelings for the other at some point in the relationship. This isn't to say that two friends can't move past these feelings to have a completely platonic, yet still intimate friendship. Because that has happened to me. But if you're going to become emotionally intimate with a person of the opposite sex, one or both of you will start to have feelings for the other.

And this presents an enormous problem when one the two friends are involved with other people, as the above quote examines. When a person is in a committed romantic relationship with another person, I think there is something wrong with the relationship when one or both of those people seek outside companionship from another person of the opposite sex.

So, short answer: No. There you go. I might add more to this post later, if I feel I wasn't explanatory enough.

Take That, October

Alright, so much for my acne getting better. It is back with a vengance. Thank you PMS+Stress. Any tips on getting rid of it? I must be rid of it by November 20th.

Also, I tried on my size 8 recital dress the other day. And I look significantly better in it than the last time I tried it on a few weeks ago! It was extremely encouraging! I still need to lose a bit of a stomach pooch I still have. However, I did try on my size 8 jeans this morning, and they were indeed too small. My hips and thighs are still too big. I must do more cardio.

This post is mostly to kill time until work at 10, which I am very much looking forward to. I love the babies. :)

Also, I am looking forward to my Interpersonal Communication class today. We are finishing up the movie we're watching. When Harry Met Sally. It's AMAZING and hilarious, and also thought-provoking. We're studying their relationship and also the question the movie presents: Can men and women really be friends without sex getting in the way? I'll share my opinion on this subject eventually, but I'll be sure to give it its own post.

Also, it's October today? What the hell? When did it become October? I'm not ready for October to be here, seeing as October has a tendency to chew me up and spit me out. Well, I say "me," but it's really "we." All of us in Kapelle, that is. Lectures in church music AND fall tour is in October, and that alone runs us ragged. And then on top of that I'm going to have my recital audition this month sometime. Yikes! That thought alone, apart from Lectures and Tour makes me nervous.

Nevertheless, I will press on, and I will come out victorious. October will not beat me into submission. Rather, I will beat it into submission. Take that, October.