A few weeks ago I watched a movie called Last Chance Harvey. It has Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson in it. It's a great movie, and you should go watch it. But both of the main characters...struggle socially, I guess is what I'll say. They always feel just on the outside of things when in a group of people. They feel rather like if they just didn't show up for social events, no one would really notice that much. And while it's a fantastic movie, it made me sad, and dredged up all sorts of unpleasant memories and feelings. Because most of my childhood, this experience and feeling has been the dominant one. And on occasion, it still is today. Like last night. Bri and G came up from STL to visit this weekend, and we all went to Molly Malone's. And it was a lot of fun, don't get me wrong. But every once in a while, I felt kind of a little bit, almost on the outside. And it was a little bit startling when I realized that I felt like that. Because it hadn't happened in a while. And now...I'm still sad because of it, and I'm afraid it'll happen the next time I'm in a group of people.
I guess I just feel so lonely lately. And I think it has to do with my breakup with Shannon. I guess I just miss having someone who I KNOW will ALWAYS be there for me. Because... (okay, confession time, here) I don't really trust my friends to always be there for me. Mostly because we've drifted apart, or because they've moved away. I guess I don't really trust anyone to always be there for me, and to never leave me.
If you respond with "Well Jesus is always there for you" I'll slap you silly. I know that for pete's sake. But that doesn't help me here. That doesn't get rid of my need for a PERSON who I can see, and touch, and spend time with to always be there for me.
And I'm sorry to all of you who are reading this, because more likely than not, we're friends or family. I'm sorry I don't trust you. I wish I did.
...I wish I had someone to hold me...