Good Riddance. (I didn't have the time of my life.)

So this is the week when bloggers post their end of year recap posts. What they loved and hated about the year, what they're looking forward to in the coming year.

I don't even know where to start.

2011 was...interesting.

Let's examine the pros and cons, shall we? Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

You want the good news first, don't you? Yep.

Pros of 2011

• I discovered Spotify. Seriously, if you aren't using Spotify yet, I feel sad for you.
• We all discovered that I can be really judgmental, via my short-lived blog series "Why Wednesday." It has it's own tab up top. Wait...maybe this should be on the "cons" list...
• We also discovered that occasionally I can write good fiction. I posted some here, which you can find on the tab up there labeled "Stuff I Made Up."
• I learned that I will never be able to understand just how deep and endless God's love for me is. 
• Sometimes God leads us into the desert, to teach us things, to get us to rely on him. (This feels like a bad thing to me, but I know that it really is good, in the end.)
• I attempted NaNoWriMo. I failed, but I still tried!
• I got hired at Starbucks! That green apron is an instant "cool" stamp. 
• I became an aunt again, and a great-aunt for the first time! That makes a grand total of 7 nieces, 1 nephew and 1 great-nephew!

Cons of 2011

• I decided I don't want to be living in Branson anymore.
• Next month means I've been living here for two years.
• My grandfather died last May, of cancer. I still miss him so much.
•  I have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to do next. I feel pretty lost right now.
• This cons list is short. 

It doesn't feel like 2011 had more pros than cons. I'm just done with it. I'm nervous about what the future will hold, but I want it to get here. Pronto. 

This is my token Christmas post.

If you know me, you know that when it comes to Christmas, I'm somewhat of a. . . Grinch, a humbug, an Ebenezer Scrooge. I'm one of those people that hates how commercialized Christmas has become, that could probably do without a Christmas tree, that really  only likes traditional Christian Christmas carols, that cringes when too many Christmas songs in a row play at work.

The truth is, I like to hold Christmas inside me. I like to ponder it silently, sitting in my comfy chair at home, with a cup of hot cocoa and my bible, marveling over the fact that God came to us in the form of a tiny, helpless baby.

 But there is one traditional secular Christmas song that gets me every time. It tugs on my heart, and most of the time I have to fight back tears. (It's not "Let it Snow." Just listen to it.)

If you skipped the song, go back and listen. I'll wait.

Now, everyone on the same page? Great.

Yep. "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Not necessarily by Michael Bublé, but by pretty much anyone.

I get a pain in my chest, like something's grabbed hold of my heart and won't let go. My eyes begin to tear up, and feel this insatiable longing in me. 

I want to be home. 

Logically it doesn't make sense, I know. My parents no longer live in the house I grew up in. I've been living in Branson for almost two years. It should be home. But it isn't. It's merely the place I live, the place I work during the day, and sleep at night. 

It's kind of like the concept of missing someone you haven't met yet. It might seem silly, but there are those of us who have this longing inside of us. We long to meet those we haven't encountered yet. We long for a home we haven't found yet. 

We long to experience the great things that God has in store for us. 

I listen to this song, and I long for all those things. I long for that feeling of home, I long for God's plan for me. 

But then I get afraid.

I begin to fear that those things will never come. That my entire life will be stuck in this in-between time I'm in. 

But I just have to trust in God. Trust that He'll lead me.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

Someday, I'll be home. Someday I'll do all those great things that God has planned for me. Someday.

But until then, 

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

Spring Always Comes After

I went hiking on Sunday morning. No, I didn't go to church. Yes, I'm a bad little Christian. Whatever.

This is what it looked like:

That's what winter in Branson looks like so far.

Cold, empty, barren.

And I still thought it was beautiful. Sure, it wasn't green and beautiful like it was this summer, or even red and gold like in the fall, or the pure whiteness of fresh snow.

 And do you know why it was so beautiful?

Because the beauty of winter is that spring always comes after. God always restores new life, new green trees and plants.

The same proves true with life. Your life may seem cold, empty, and barren. But spring always comes after.

Trust in God. It may seem like He's leading you into the forest in winter, but He always has your back. He's got great things in store for you.

For my friends who are hurting...

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on your side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


Be still, my soul; your God will undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.


Be still, my soul; though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in this vale of tears;
Then you will better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe your sorrows and your fears.
Be still, my soul; your Jesus can repay
From his own fullness all He takes away.


Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.


-Be Still, My Soul, LSB 752

I know this seems like I'm saying that everything is okay as long as we have Jesus, that it's just that easy. I know that it's not just that easy. It's not fair, what happened, and it sucks. I know that. There aren't enough words to describe the wrongness of this, how against the natural order this all seems. But Jesus can bring comfort. I pray that you know God's peace and love in this difficult time.

How Disney Ruined My Life

As a preface,

I'm sorry, internet friends.

I'm a terrible blogger.

I just haven't had much to say lately.

I've been caught up in work,

NaNoWriMo, (Which I'm losing, by the way!)

reading lots of books,

and some other stuff.

But I'll try and be a better blog friend. I promise.

-------------------------------------------------------

The other night, I couldn't sleep. What else is new, right? But this time, it was Disney's fault. 

Yep. I just blamed Disney for my insomnia. (But by the time this post is done, that's not the only thing I'll blame Disney for.) The topic my brain was musing on was the title of this post. How Disney ruined my life. 

Don't get me wrong. Disney is awesome and they put out some great, entertaining movies. I was raised on Disney movies, as were so many other girls.

But Disney had a way of twisting fairy tales (which were originally slightly frightening stories, most of whose goal was to scare small children into behaving.) into a story where the discouraged, down-and-out, misfit heroine meets a handsome prince and lives happily ever after. 

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Snow White: (1937) A certain friend of mine, whose favorite fairy tale is Snow White, is probably saying "Now hold on just a minute!" But hang in with me, friends. 

 

Now, I get that Snow White is just a victim here. Her evil stepmother is pissed because Snow White is prettier, so she wants her dead. It's not Snow White's fault she has to hide in the forest. It's not her fault she bites a poisoned apple. It's not her fault.

Moral of the Story: If you have a wicked stepmother who has it out for you, and you end up in a coma with a bunch of dwarves keeping watch over you, don't worry. A prince will come along and kiss your corpse-like lips and you'll live happily ever after.  

What we learned from Disney: If you end up in a coma, all you need is a prince to kiss you.

Cinderella: (1950) Now, with this one, I'm starting to think Disney is trying to tell us something about stepmothers.

Again, I get that Cinderella is a victim. It's not her fault her mom is dead. It's not her fault her father married a huge b****, who has two evil little children. 

Moral of the Story: If you have a stepmother and stepsisters, they'll mistreat you, and make you do all the cleaning. But don't worry, just be submissive and sweet and invisible, and you'll get by just fine.

What we learned from Disney: If your life sucks, your fairy godmother will fix it so that you'll marry a prince.

 

Sleeping Beauty: (1959) Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Sleeping Beauty. Prince Phillip is my FAVORITE Disney prince. There's nothing like slaying a dragon that proves a man loves you.

Again, Aurora is a victim. It's not her fault her stupid parents forgot to invite Maleficent to the party. (Hell, I'd be pissed, too if I didn't get an invite to the party of the century.) It's not her fault nobody told her if she touched a spinning wheel she'd go into a coma. (Again, with the comas!) 

Moral of the Story: If touching a spinning wheel sends you into a coma, don't worry. If you fall in love with a boy you just meet and then have to leave him because you're a princess, don't worry. Don't worry, because he's the prince you're already engaged to.

What we learned from Disney: A man you just met will always be there to risk life and limb and slay a dragon for you.

The Little Mermaid: (1989) Imagine my delight as a little red-headed child, to have a Disney movie come out with a heroine WHO HAS RED HAIR. During bathtime, and when we went swimming, I used to lay back, swish my hair back and forth and pretend I was Ariel. And that picture to the right? I totally did that pose on the edge of the bathtub.

But when you get right down to it, this is one of the most messed up movies of all. 

Ariel, I get it. You're 16 and no one understands you. Your controlling, overbearing father won't let you above the ocean and explore. You're the victim here. It's not like humans won't capture you and exploit you for being a freak or anything. They're completely trustworthy, and your father is wrong. 

Yeah, right.

This version of the story by Hans Christian Andersen is kind of a piece of crap. Did you know that instead of being rewarded for rebellion, in the original story our lovely heroine kills herself? Yep. That's right. She kills herself because Eric falls in love with someone else.

Moral of the Story: If you're 16 and fall in love with a guy a different species than you, don't worry. Don't worry because the sea witch will steal your voice (the one thing you have going for you) and turn you into a human. If you run away from home and disobey your parents, don't worry.

What we learned from Disney: If you disobey every order your parents give you because they love you, it's okay, because in the end, you'll get rewarded for it. You'll marry a handsome prince who is a different species than you are, and your dad will look on with happiness thinking, "I'm so glad she disobeyed me."

I could go on, but I won't. These are, in my opinion, the worst offenders Disney has to offer. The basic thing Disney is teaching us? "Someday my prince will come." Thanks to Disney, girls and women everywhere are waiting for Prince Charming to wake us from our coma, for Prince Phillip to slay a dragon for us, for Prince Eric to love us even though we're freaks.

We're waiting for Happily Ever After. But the truth is, Happily Ever After just doesn't exist. 

People aren't perfect. Relationships aren't perfect. 

A fact that Disney continually and conveniently overlooks.

So thanks, Disney. Thanks for my unreasonable expectations for romance and relationships. Way to go.

I Am

I am nothing more than a small child throwing a tantrum because they can't have their way.

I always want to be able to do it myself.

I am on a constant quest for independence. 

I am a sinner.

I desire a life apart from God.

Hear my confession.

I confess that I am lost without Christ. I confess that anything I attempt on my own, without Him, I fail. I confess that I want nothing more than complete and utter independence. I confess that I constantly stray from God. I confess that I try to live on my own terms, and fail. I confess that while I desire a life apart from God, I recognize that this isn't possible.

I don't deserve God's grace. I don't deserve for Him to constantly come and find me when I lose my way. But He does. He always does. His grace is endless, His love relentless. I am constantly caught between my own sin, and His grace, a seemingly endless struggle between my will and His.


I am like Israel, constantly running away from God, then returning, seemingly full of repentance.

I am nothing more than a sheep, and

I would be lost without my Shepherd.

Regret

And it's true that we never really knew each other.
I told you my secret and what do I have to show for it?
Nothing.
You don't know me because you won't let me tell you.
You won't let me be honest with you.
And I don't know you because, what?
You're "afraid of hurting me"?
As long as I live, I'll never understand you.
I. . .
I never should have told you a single damn thing.
I regret it.
I regret all of it.

 But I'll always miss you, my darling.