Thursday, April 7, 2011

Things I've been trying not to say...

Those of you who know me well know that I wear my heart right on my sleeve. Not intentionally, of course.

But lately, I've been finding myself attempting to wall up my emotions more than ever. I honestly have no idea if I've been succeeding or not. Probably not.

But it's been a weary job.

And so I'm saying it all. Here. Now.

I'm finally being honest. Here we go.

At work, I try to be the best part of myself.


To my credit, I
am those things.
But not all the time.

I do it because I want people to like me.

And I'm failing at this goal of being the best part of myself,
all the time.

I snapped at a coworker today.

In truth?

I'm also impulsive. Blunt. Emotional. High-maintenance.

But for some reason, I'm not okay being any of those things.

Not at work.

I try not to think about how unhappy I am.

There I said it.

I'm unhappy.

But somehow, it doesn't really feel better.

I'm lonely.

And kind of sad.

(Mostly lonely.)

(And not just because I'm having an emotional sort of week.)

And disappointed with my life.

(Before you offer, I'm not looking for advice. Not today.)

Don't get me wrong.
I certainly have good days.

Which I'm incredibly thankful for,

more than I could put into words.

But from a big picture standpoint?

I'm unhappy.

I miss my friends.
I miss my family.
I miss the part of my life when I had a goal to shoot for.
Now I feel like the basket is gone.
I feel lost.

So now what happens? Now that I've said all the things I've been avoiding? Where do I go from here? I wish you would tell me, because I don't know.


  1. You might give Kopp's "If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him" a try. And Larson's "Ask Me To Dance." You seem to be in a good place for both. I love you. --Ed

  2. I miss you too. Phone date when I get back from the reatreat this weekend?

  3. No advice, just admiration, love and support. You are a wonderful person and an even better daughter.