Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day Sucks.

This year, I promised myself that I would be happy on Valentine's Day, despite being alone. I promised myself that I was okay not having a valentine, that I wouldn't spend all day moping and having a pity party. (Something I'm exceptionally good at.) I took myself on a date; I spent all afternoon at Starbucks, reading, writing in my journal. And I was happy, pleasant, content.

And then a weird smell inside Starbucks drove me away. So I came home.

And now. . .

I'm at home. Sitting on my bed, in my exceedingly messy room, watching Bones on TV. The weird smell sticking in my nose, my stomach going between hunger pains and nausea, and and the black hole in my heart getting bigger by the minute.

Anyone who's ever been inclined to depression, pessimism, or chronic loneliness knows the feeling; The black hole that starts out microscopic, started by that tiny feeling that's merely vague discontent.

Then it sucks into it every good feeling or optimistic thought into it, growing in size, and breeding only more discontent, unhappiness, loneliness.

And there's nothing you or anyone else can do to make it go away. At best, you sleep for a while, and when you wake up, you feel like new.

And this is how I feel right now. Sad, lonely, aching inside.


  1. Sorry you're in the black hole phase. I've been there. I always tell my friends the "funk" cave is long and it's hard to get out of. I haven't found any secrets to fixing the black hole but usually telling people I really love how much I love them helps to put the focus off of me and onto them.

  2. I'm sorry, kiddo.

    You've become such an awesome woman, with deep and inspiring faith and a gentle, sweet soul. I am so, so proud of you.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had words for you that would seem like more than just platitudes.

    But I really feel deep inside that this is going to be such a special year for you... I'm not sure in what way, but I just know it is going to be special.

    I love you, my sweet daughter.


  3. I hope things are looking up for you this side of Vday. Also, your mom's comment made me seriously mushy inside. I'd like to go hug my mother now.


  4. I think valentine's day is just another should be expressed al the time