Monday, February 20, 2012

I Wish I Knew

I wish I had something of substance to say tonight, friends.

But I don't. I don't have the tools to quite put into words how I feel, because I don't really understand it myself.

Those of you who know me well know that I'm pretty much an emotional slob. Sometimes my emotions are uncontrollable, a beast entirely on its own.

And tonight I'm struggling to rein them in, to keep the dam around my heart from breaking.

Sometimes I just get sad, for no good reason. A depression washes over me, suddenly and without warning, and most of the time it takes all I have not to let it consume me.

I wish I knew why. I wish I had a reason for this feeling whose only response is a flood of tears that I fight back desperately. But our emotions are not always rational, are they? They do not always follow the rules of logic and reason.

I'm tired of constantly being ruled by my emotions, but it's not something that's likely to change is it? Some things are hard-wired into us, things which hold fast to our personality no matter how desperately we try to change them.

I will always feel my emotions far stronger than I would like. Maybe someday I will learn to accept it, perhaps eventually learn to love that about myself.

But tonight, just for tonight, I wish it wasn't true.

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