Saturday, October 18, 2008

Cleaning the Apologies off of the Floor of my Depressed Heart

I cleaned my room today. I can actually see the floor. That's really exciting for me. It rarely ever happens. There's still stuff piled on shelves, but everything is off the floor, which I really enjoy. I hope to keep it approximately this clean for a long while. It'll be a big challenge for me. I'm not so good at keeping things clean

Although I did run the dishwasher, and empty the recycling, and sweep and swiffer the kitchen floor, and clean the stove yesterday. I've appeased my guilt for feeling like I haven't contributed to the apartment enough, although I did buy groceries on Thursday.

I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter at all when I apologize, because I say I'm sorry so much. I'm the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Maybe I should just quit apologizing altogether and come off as a heartless, selfish bitch who thinks she's right no matter what she does. I could try being a bitch for a while.
I'm really lonely. I'm not looking forward to fall tour next weekend. I love being in Kapelle, and I love performing at churches and stuff, but the bus rides are really lonely. I like everyone in Kapelle, but I don't have a real connection with anyone. Most everyone has a best friend that they sit with the whole time and talk and listen to music together and play travel games. And there I am sitting all by myself listening to my ridiculously depressing music and writing in my journal while trying not to cry.

It's not just Kapelle that's making me lonely. It's school in general. There's so many things to do, and I feel so behind on all of them. It's the weather, too. I hate it when it gets colder. I think I have seasonal depression. I get sad when it rains, and when it gets cold. Snow makes me happy, though. That's the only redeeming thing about winter. I love having a white blanket all over everything. It all feels new and refreshed. It's sunny outside today, but the slight chill overpowers it for me. I want to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep and never wake up.
EDIT: I feel very small.

1 comment:

  1. Well, maybe Fall Tour might help. I've heard that you all tend to bond on tours... who knows?

    But I understand the loneliness. It's hard sometimes even on campus, so it's gotta be even worse off campus. You can always call me when you want/need to talk to someone!