Sick Days

I've been sick at home the last couple of days. I've been fighting a cold the past week or so, and it got a lot worse in the past couple days. I'm kind of proud of myself for forcing myself to stay home to get well. I don't like to just not go to school. But I need to get well, especially since I'm driving 9 hours to Springfield, MO tomorrow. I must say, the days off have paid off. If I had gone to school yesterday, I would not have gotten better at all. I'm feeling better from yesterday, but still not great. Some of my professors may be disappointed that I'm missing class, but I need to take some time to get well. I need to better recognize when I need to take some personal time. And I feel like I'm getting better at it.

Snow

This morning I was sitting on our couch in the living room, thinking about Lessons and Carols my freshman year. We were lining up to process in for the Saturday night service when it started snowing outside. It was snowing these great, big, fat flakes, the first big snow of the season. By the time the service was done, there were several inches on the ground. It was Christmas. It felt like Christmas, everything new and white and fresh and exciting. When I woke up from this pleasant memory and looked out our front window, it was snowing.

It's a goldenrod kind of day

So, I think I'm going to start describing my mood in terms of color. Such as, "I feel goldenrod today." Which I do. I do feel goldenrod. The thing that prompted this is that yesterday I bought a new journal and lots of different colored markers to write in it with. So I'm feeling very...colorful. I wonder what color I'll be tomorrow.

Story Time!

Once upon a time,
there lived a cat named Bruce.
Bruce liked very much to annoy his caretakers,
but unbeknownst to them, behind the couch,
he had a motorcycle,
which he liked to ride when the girls were gone.
But he also secretly worked in cooperation
with the Forest Park Police Department!
One day, when Bruce was sitting in the front window,
checking the streets for potential crime,
an armored truck crashed through the Forest Park PD building,
which was right across the street from where he was sitting!
"Crap, the girls are still here," He thought to himself as pondered what to do next.
He would have to wait until the girls left the apartment,
and he would be safe to leave and aid the Police Department.

"Ouch, my foot!"
cried the Police Chief as the armored truck ran over his foot.

Finally, the last girl left the apartment,
and Bruce was finally able to
go out the door to the porch, climb down the tree, and run across the street to the Police Dept.

The other night when Laura and I went to Molly Malone's, we played the game where you go back and forth and tell a story, one line at time. This was the product of exhaustion, stress, and alcohol. Some of it (a lot of it) I made up because I didn't remember exactly what we said. The part about "Ouch my foot!" was when Laura actually hit her foot on the table. It was her turn to say a line of the story, so I thought that was her line. So I continued it with "cried the Police Chief as the armored truck ran over his foot." We laughed loudly and obnoxiously for a long time. It made my heart happy.

Grey's Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy is like crack. Laura and I haven't watched our shows (Grey's Anatomy and Heroes) in weeks because we haven't had TV. We just got it back today, and we're having a marathon. We can't stop watching Grey's Anatomy. It's so addicting. Like crack.

P.S. Don't judge us. So what if we like Grey's Anatomy?

Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing

Come, Thou Fount of ev'ry blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of Mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
While the hope of endless glory
fills my heart with joy and love,
Teach me ever to adore Thee;
May I still thy goodness prove.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be;
Let that grace now like a fetter
Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee;
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it;
Prone to leave the God I love,
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Oh, that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see thy lovely face;
Clothed then in the blood-washed linen,
How I'll sing Thy wondrous grace!
Come my Lord, no longer tarry;
Take my ransom'd soul away;
Send Thine angels soon to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

New Scab

Well, more like wound. And on someone else, not me. And I'm sorry for it. I've done some terrible things in my life, but this one takes the cake. I never wanted to hurt you and make you cry. But it has to be this way for awhile, until I figure myself out some more. Because right now, I'm absolutely clueless. I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry for being cryptic, guys. But right now, I need to be just a little cryptic.

Definitely, Maybe

I love this movie. It has a beautifully crafted storyline and the acting is wonderful. But it makes me feel like someone ripped a scab off my arm, a scab that was almost healed and is now bleeding again. It's supposed to be a happy ending. Will (Ryan Reynolds) ends up with the girl he's in love with. But the bottom line is, Maya's (Abigail Breslin) parents are still getting divorced. That fact negates the happy ending for me, and at the end I feel like there's an open wound in the middle of my chest. Note to self: never watch this movie again.

But I know that that scab won't ever fully heal. That sometimes something will rip it off and remind me of my parents, forcing me to start all over again. It gets a little better when I think of all the good God worked in our lives after it-both of my parents remarrying and being happy again, gaining an even bigger family, and even meeting my boyfriend. But sometimes I still wish that it had never happened, that my parents were still together, that my childhood had been some semblance of normal. I know that we have to make the most of our circumstances, and that God will get us through anything. So here I am, still hanging on, hoping that things will turn out okay, that the pain will lessen, that I'll never have to put my (future hypothetical) children through that.

My heart feels heavy.

Mood boosters

I had the most amazing voice lesson today. I was going into it absolutely dreading, praying to God that it didn't end with me in tears yet again. But I sounded wonderful. My voice was in that sweet spot without any effort at all. Everything was so easy, and my voice sounded so relaxed. My soft palate was raised and my diaphragm was engaged without me even having to force them to be so. I warmed up to a SUSTAINED high D-flat without any effort. It was so easy to sing, and my voice didn't even feel strained or tired after singing it. It gave me the biggest confidence booster, way bigger than singing in the recital on Monday did, and it put me in the greatest mood. I can't even begin to explain why this happened, why I was so calm and relaxed during a voice lesson which I was dreading during a day that certainly could have been better.

I also got to play with Brittan's new puppy, Tango this afternoon during her clarinet lesson. She just got the puppy, and she's so cute! I miss dogs, and this really put me in a great mood. I love puppies. I want a puppy....

Relax!

I don't understand why people stress out so much over the outcomes of elections. In the end, everything is going to be okay. God is going to take care of us. At the end of the day, no matter who is running the country, God is always in control. We're going to be okay. Just relax.

For the record...

No, I did not vote. I do have a semi-legitimate excuse. My parents just moved two weeks ago, and I could not register at our new address because the deadline had lapsed. And I also was not aware that I could register in Forest Park, since I don't claim my apartment address as my permanent residence, and since I'm technically a student in River Forest, not Forest Park, where I live.

Also, I like neither Obama nor McCain. However, I do realize that voting is important, especially since the outcome of this election will have a great effect on this country.

Don't you worry, I'll follow my rule of, "If you don't vote, you can't complain." It'll be really difficult, but I'll complain to myself, and not aloud. So don't yell at me for not voting. And don't judge me.

kthanksbye.

Warning: this will probably be a bit depressing.

Lately, I haven't been feeling like myself, whoever (whomever?) that happens to be. I kind of feel like I'm going through my days in a daze. (haha. I enjoyed that.) But seriously, yesterday was a complete blurr. My performance at tonight's NASM recital was also a blurr. I don't remember a single moment of it. Wait, that's not true. I remember thinking at this one part, "whole step, whole step, half step, whole step, half step, half step." But that's about it. I don't even remember if it was good or not. (Side note: NASM is National Association for Schools of Music, and the music department here is trying to get accredited and the recital is for the music department to show off people of different talents and levels. I performed Quando men vo from La Boheme.) And afterwards, I just felt...nothing. I wasn't proud of myself for performing the piece, because I didn't remember if it was good or not. I didn't want to hear people tell me how well I did, because I didn't really care, to be completely honest. And I don't really know why.

Not only that, but I've also...been starting to care less about my classes. Wait...I do care about my final scene for A&D, but that's the thing I probably care the most about.

And I'm no closer to figuring out my life's calling or whatever than I was at my last entry, which is extremely discouraging.

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep forever.