Sunday, May 6, 2012

Open Wounds

This week marks one whole year since my grandfather went home to heaven. I wrote this post right after it happened.

One year, twelve whole months.

And it still hurts just like it was yesterday.

I can't make my heart understand that heaven is the goal, heaven is home, that Papa is finally there with his Savior.

I'll confess that I'm still a little angry with God for taking him away from me.

I've never lost someone this close to me, so please. Tell me.

When does it get easier?

A year later, and it isn't any easier than it used to be. I keep wondering when that sudden, crippling pain will cease to grab hold of my heart, that pain which only lets up once I have sat down and had a good cry.

 I want be able to rejoice in the knowledge that I'll see him again. I want to be at peace, and not be selfish.

But all I do is miss him, and all I want is to have him back.

It's been a year, and this wound on my heart hasn't healed at all.


  1. it doesn't. it'll been nine years since my grandma died this fall, and it still hurts like hell. i still miss her every day.i miss talking to her more nights than not. i miss the unwavering support and pride. i think of what she would have to say about certain things. and is it selfish? yes. because like you, i have the head knowledge that she is home, and with her husband, and all is well. my heart is much slower to accept this fact.

  2. It doesn't ever stop hurting, but with time it becomes like an ache rather than that unbearable stabbing, breath-stealing pain. And it becomes part of who you are, part of the filter through which you see the world, and a way that God uses you to be "Jesus with skin on" to other people who are hurting...because you have hurt, you understand how they are hurting.

    Your papa loved you - you were the apple of his eye from the minute he laid eyes on you. I know that he is so proud of you.


  3. I think going forward it becomes all about decisions- the decision to put more weight in your convictions than in your emotions. Many things in faith are this way - we see and feel one way, but we have to choose to believe in a different directions.

    It will hurt, but at that moment, help yourself believe in the direction of your convictions, despite the pain. As you feed your faith, you'll find that the painful emotions will fade. God doesn't want us to live with open wounds, of any kind. He is interested in being our complete healer.