Maybe this will make you understand...

Music isn't a hobby. It isn't something I do in my spare time. Music is MY LIFE. Music is the gift that God gave me, and all I want to do is to sing. All I want to do is to use my voice and praise Him.

I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to be a choir conductor anymore (it makes me nervous and agitated and I hate the feelings of not being in control that go along with it). You need to accept this. Actually, you don't. I don't care whether or not you accept it. I don't need you to. I'm done trying to prove myself to you.

I don't care that you think that singing isn't something to devote your life to. I love singing more than just about anything. Why shouldn't I try to make a living off of it?

I guess I just need to accept that some people just won't understand.

"Were not our hearts burning within us...?"

Where Shepherds Lately Knelt

Where shepherds lately knelt,
and kept the angel's word,
I come in half-belief,
a pilgrim strangely stirred;
but there is room
and welcome there
for me.

In that unlikely place
I find him as they said:
sweet, newborn Babe, how frail!
and in a manger bed:
a still small Voice
to cry one day
for me.

How should I not have known
Isaiah would be there,
his prophecies fulfilled?
With pounding heart I stare:
a Child, a Son,
the Prince of Peace--
for me.

Can I, will I forget
how Love was born and burned
its way into my heart--
unasked, unforced, unearned,
to die, to live,
and not alone
for me.
--Jaroslav J. Vajda (1919-2008)

I'm sorry if this hurts you. It hurts me, too. But it hurts less then when we were together. I'm not sure you understand how bad it was at the end.

Finally, for about the first time ever, I like myself. That's the end. I like myself because of who God made me. Before, I liked myself because you loved me. The other day, I was going over in my head all of the reasons we fought. Or at least the reasons we named. And most of the time, they were "my fault," character traits that I needed to change if we were ever going to work. And I was listing them off in my head, and most of them were traits that I liked about myself. I like that I'm stubborn. I like that I'm impulsive and emotional and passionate. I like that I tend to not filter my opinions about something. And if these were problems in our relationship, then the problem wasn't me. It was the relationship.

I feel like I should apologize for finally being happy, because it means that you're unhappy. But I'm not apologizing. I won't do it.

Someday, you're going to find someone who's perfect for you.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for graduation. In so many different ways. I'm nowhere NEAR having my projects and papers done.

I'm also not ready to be graduated, to be a college graduate, to be an "adult," whatever that means. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. I don't know where I'm supposed to go. I have a few different options, geographically that would all hold great possibilities for me. But I don't know which one to choose. I really need some guidance here, God. Help me out, please?

And...this week my ex re-friended me on Facebook. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I realize it's only facebook, and facebook friends aren't exactly like real friends, but I don't know if I can be friends with him just yet.

And I'm not ready to leave Kapelle. I know I've been over this before. But the feeling still lingers.

I'm just not ready.

Well, last week was my senior recital. And if you weren't there, you missed out. Because it was AWESOME.

It feels kind of surreal to have it all be over. I mean, it's the one thing you work towards for your entire college career, and it's over in 30 minutes. In a way, it's kind of a let-down, and a little anticlimactic.

I feel the need to learn a super hard aria that's way past my skill level in order to fill the void.

"Grand" adventure does not equal "Fun" adventure

So, I spent Thanksgiving in Louisville, Kentucky visiting my Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother. So on Tuesday night, I had a grand adventure driving down from Chicago. And by "grand," I really mean "SUPER LONG."

Let me preface by saying this: GOOGLE MAPS IS STUPID.

They had me get off of I90 onto some dinky little Indiana State road. Their logic was to take me from this state road, to I80, then to I65. The dinky little state road was CLOSED. So I went to follow the detour. And got lost. Twice. First I got lost because of the stupid inadequate detour that ended NOWHERE. And then after I called Dad and got directions back to the highway from him, I turned the wrong way. And got lost again. So FINALLY I got back to I90, with the aid of the wonderful Samantha, who told me that I should never have gotten off I90 in the first place, because it connects with I65! So I get to I65 eventually, blah blah and I'm driving and it takes forever, yada yada.

And then about 70 miles from Louisville, traffic on I65 (IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!) stops, and is crawling for MILES on end. There is an hour-long traffic jam in the middle of nowhere for NO reason.

The point of the story? What should have been an easy 5 hour drive, became an 8 HOUR drive.

Needless to say, I'm definitely going to hate driving for a while.

Theatre is like life

As part of my porfolio for my senior project, I have to write a reflection on what theatre is. I was kind of intimidated by this, because theatre covers a broad spectrum of things. But basically the conclusion I came to was that theatre is like life.

I'll explain.

Example one: we are in control and in no control at the same time. We can control our actions, our words, the decisions we make from day to day. But ultimately, we are not in control. God is in control of our lives. In theatre, as a director, you can control almost everything that happens; you can control which actors to cast, you can shape their performance and interpretation of their character, you can control the blocking, you can even control the tech elements to some extent. But once the performance starts, you are NOT in control. What happens onstage is no longer under your power. I realize that this analogy breaks down if you analyze it too much, but that's true for all analogies.

Example two: In theatre, everyone is interdependent. It is a collaborative effort, and each person must do their part well for the whole to be successful. It's the same with life. Life is a collaborative effort. You can't just go through life alone and a hermit. As humans, we are made to need each other, and consequently we are interdependent.

This is why I think theatre is immensely important. It has so many lessons to teach us.

As an amendment to my last post, I have since found out that my grandmother is being released to the rehab facility next door to the assissted living she lives in. Which is good. They still haven't figured out what caused her to be nonresponsive. Pray that they find out what caused it.

I'm not sure I can handle this.

My senior recital is a week from Friday. And I don't feel nearly prepared enough. I practiced tonight, but it only made me more worried and depressed. And I have my stupid senior project (that I am making good progress on, but that's besides the point), and a million and a half stupid papers to do that I haven't even really done very much work on. And I'm trying to keep some semblance of a social life so that I don't go completely insane from doing school work all the time.

And...on top of it my grandmother is in the hospital, so that's got me worrying. (Even though Mom tried to tell me not to. It was a gallant effort, Mom.) She fell early last week. She only had a hairline fracture in her hip, so they sent her home after doing x-rays and all that jazz. But then after she left the hospital, she had a brief spell where she was unresponsive. Conscious, but unresponsive. And so now she's back in the hospital undergoing tests to figure out what's wrong.

That brings me to my next topic. Do you know how when you're a kid, it's like your parents and grandparents are made of steel, like nothing bad can happen to them? And then as you age, you realize that people are mortal and eventually die. But you still don't really think about it, until a certain point in your life, when you realize that your grandparents are getting older, and eventually they won't be around anymore. Well, I've found myself coming to that point. This issue with my grandmother, and also with my grandfather's cancer sort of made this truth that we all know more of a reality for me. And it's kind of scary.

I'm so busy lately, it's turned me into a really lame person. I haven't talked to my family in so long. There are friends I really want to reconnect with that I have been kind of neglecting. I'm just so tired of all of this stuff I have to do. I've had massive headache all day, and I think my subconscious is trying to tell me to lay off all the work I'm doing. But I can't lay off. I have to keep going. I have so much stuff to do, I can't even think about it, or else I might go crazy.

In other news, I had my last Kapelle Home Concert last night. And it wasn't as sad as I thought it might be. I didn't even cry at all. I was too busy soaking in everything, enjoying the time with Kapelle while I still could. I can honestly say I enjoyed singing every single piece. And let's be realistic here. In choir, you're NOT going to like every single thing you sing. You're just not. You can't like everything all the time; that's not how the world works. And some of the stuff we did on tour I don't like as well as other stuff we've done in the past. But last night, I sincerely enjoyed singing every single piece. Last night, I wasn't concentrating on how sad it was that it was my last concert. I was concentrating on how wonderful it was to be singing with everyone, and thankful that I got to spend so much time with them.

Do you ever have days where you just...don't fit? Where you manage to go about your day with relatively no problem, but it just seems like something's not quite right? Like things could be so much better? I have days like that. I kind of feel like that today. And the feeling isn't just a not fitting in feeling. It's more of a longing. It's days like today that make me long after Christ, that make me remember where my real home is, where truly the thing I want most in this world is to be with Him, to see his face, to spend all eternity singing and praising him and frolicking in beautiful, heavenly golden fall leaves (if you're confused, read my last post). Some days I remember more than others that I am His. And right now, I honestly don't want to be anyone else's.

I LOVE fall.

I decided that fall is my favorite season. I'm thankful that my last fall at Concordia was especially beautiful. This week, I decided to walk to school on Tuesday morning. It's a pretty nice walk from my apartment, just under 2 miles. It's all through residential neighborhoods, covered with trees whose leaves are turning gold. So on Tuesday, I was walking through Forest Park and River Forest, over sidewalks laden with beautiful golden leaves, thinking, "Please God, please let heaven be like this." Later that day, I was talking with my friend Chelsea about this. And she was remarking on how fall mirrors Christ's death. In the season of fall, there is so much beauty amidst all the the dying leaves. And Christ's death is, in a way, beautiful for us because through it, we are redeemed.

This evening, I was driving home at about 5:45 after PASSING my recital audition (!), just as the sun was setting. The golden light from the sunset was hitting the golden leaves from the trees, making the very air seem golden. It was so breathtaking. This year's fall, more than other years it seems, is making me notice God's glory and beauty more. Or perhaps my eyes are just more open this year.

The First Last

This past weekend marked the first of many lasts. It was my LAST Kapelle Tour. Yes, we still have a home concert to perform (which, by the way, is November 7 at 7:30pm), but that didn't make it any less sad. I'm going to keep focused on the home concert we still have and on lessons and carols, not on the fact that at the end of the semester I have to leave what has become family to me.

Shitty Reality Check

That's what I had today. Today, I realized just how stressed-out and sleep-deprived I am, thanks to a crappy voice lesson. There's this song that I'm doing on my recital that I'm really struggling with. I'm not sure how to give my voice teacher what she's asking of me for it. And I kind of freaked out. I haven't freaked out that badly in a lesson in, probably, at least a year. I ended up crying. But this made me realize that I'm super stressed out and scared about my recital audition, which I don't even know the date for. It's supposed to be a month before the recital date. That's TODAY. And I'm also stressing about my senior project, which I'm super behind on. I'm struggling to keep myself on task.

And I also started thinking hardcore today about all of my "lasts." Specifically, regarding Kapelle: my last tour (which is this weekend), my last home concert, and my last lessons and carols. And I damn near started crying. I'm so sad to be leaving Kapelle. I won't miss Concordia after I graduate, but I will miss Kapelle. Kapelle is family, and has been since sophomore year. I miss them already.

And we know it's never simple

Still struggling with these feelings of loneliness I mentioned a couple of posts ago. It's almost as if I need to be around other people to be something resembling content. I hate being by myself right now. That's kind of a foreign feeling to me. Normally, I'm perfectly content being by myself. But things don't feel normal right now. I do know that I'm better off now. I know that this break up is for the best. But that doesn't make this any less difficult to deal with. Shannon was a huge part of my life for so long, and being without him is still strange for me. But I know that I'm going to be okay.

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I'm so sorry...

A few weeks ago I watched a movie called Last Chance Harvey. It has Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson in it. It's a great movie, and you should go watch it. But both of the main characters...struggle socially, I guess is what I'll say. They always feel just on the outside of things when in a group of people. They feel rather like if they just didn't show up for social events, no one would really notice that much. And while it's a fantastic movie, it made me sad, and dredged up all sorts of unpleasant memories and feelings. Because most of my childhood, this experience and feeling has been the dominant one. And on occasion, it still is today. Like last night. Bri and G came up from STL to visit this weekend, and we all went to Molly Malone's. And it was a lot of fun, don't get me wrong. But every once in a while, I felt kind of a little bit, almost on the outside. And it was a little bit startling when I realized that I felt like that. Because it hadn't happened in a while. And now...I'm still sad because of it, and I'm afraid it'll happen the next time I'm in a group of people.

I guess I just feel so lonely lately. And I think it has to do with my breakup with Shannon. I guess I just miss having someone who I KNOW will ALWAYS be there for me. Because... (okay, confession time, here) I don't really trust my friends to always be there for me. Mostly because we've drifted apart, or because they've moved away. I guess I don't really trust anyone to always be there for me, and to never leave me.

If you respond with "Well Jesus is always there for you" I'll slap you silly. I know that for pete's sake. But that doesn't help me here. That doesn't get rid of my need for a PERSON who I can see, and touch, and spend time with to always be there for me.

And I'm sorry to all of you who are reading this, because more likely than not, we're friends or family. I'm sorry I don't trust you. I wish I did.

...I wish I had someone to hold me...

Read this blog I follow: http://french-graffiti.blogspot.com/2009/10/in-defense-of-roman-polanski.html

It's about Roman Polanski FINALLY being arrested for raping a girl in, what? 1960-whatever? Anyway. It's really good. And by good, I mean sad and sarcastically and sardonically funny and serious at the same time.

Can men and women really be friends?

My answer: No.

Let's take a look at a quote from the movie When Harry Met Sally, which centers on this question.

Harry: Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Okay, first of all, why don't we define "friendship." I think here, "friendship" means not just someone you talk to in class or at work or casually whenever you happen to run into them. I think here friendship includes going out of your way to make plans with this person, like lunch, coffee, or a movie. And here, friendship also includes mutual sharing of things you wouldn't ordinarily share with just anyone that you know.

I think that men and women cannot really be friends (using the above definition of friendship) without either or both of them having feelings for the other at some point in the relationship. This isn't to say that two friends can't move past these feelings to have a completely platonic, yet still intimate friendship. Because that has happened to me. But if you're going to become emotionally intimate with a person of the opposite sex, one or both of you will start to have feelings for the other.

And this presents an enormous problem when one the two friends are involved with other people, as the above quote examines. When a person is in a committed romantic relationship with another person, I think there is something wrong with the relationship when one or both of those people seek outside companionship from another person of the opposite sex.

So, short answer: No. There you go. I might add more to this post later, if I feel I wasn't explanatory enough.

Take That, October

Alright, so much for my acne getting better. It is back with a vengance. Thank you PMS+Stress. Any tips on getting rid of it? I must be rid of it by November 20th.

Also, I tried on my size 8 recital dress the other day. And I look significantly better in it than the last time I tried it on a few weeks ago! It was extremely encouraging! I still need to lose a bit of a stomach pooch I still have. However, I did try on my size 8 jeans this morning, and they were indeed too small. My hips and thighs are still too big. I must do more cardio.

This post is mostly to kill time until work at 10, which I am very much looking forward to. I love the babies. :)

Also, I am looking forward to my Interpersonal Communication class today. We are finishing up the movie we're watching. When Harry Met Sally. It's AMAZING and hilarious, and also thought-provoking. We're studying their relationship and also the question the movie presents: Can men and women really be friends without sex getting in the way? I'll share my opinion on this subject eventually, but I'll be sure to give it its own post.

Also, it's October today? What the hell? When did it become October? I'm not ready for October to be here, seeing as October has a tendency to chew me up and spit me out. Well, I say "me," but it's really "we." All of us in Kapelle, that is. Lectures in church music AND fall tour is in October, and that alone runs us ragged. And then on top of that I'm going to have my recital audition this month sometime. Yikes! That thought alone, apart from Lectures and Tour makes me nervous.

Nevertheless, I will press on, and I will come out victorious. October will not beat me into submission. Rather, I will beat it into submission. Take that, October.

Wow. I MIGHT be in a little over my head. I'm taking a graduate-level course this semester, Choral Literature. It's stressing me out. I'm not really too familiar with a lot of choral repertoire, so for the take home quizzes and stuff I kind of feel like I'm shooting blindly and randomly into the woods hoping I'll hit a deer. But I have to do this class. I have to finish, or else I don't graduate. So I'll manage somehow.

Also, I've been walking A LOT lately. Like when I'm bored in the afternoons/evenings with nothing to do (correction: nothing that I care to do, such as homework), I'll go on a walk. Also, I've been walking to school a lot lately, which is almost 2 miles. My size 10 pants are starting to fit a lot looser (I have to wear a belt, even!), although I don't think that I'm small enough yet to go back to my size 8 pants. Okay, you may say, "But Leah, size 10 isn't big at all!" I know. But it's not my best. I was a size 8 for a long time before I gained weight over the summer. I know I can be a size 8. So that's what I'm striving for. Also, my senior recital dress is a size 8. So if I don't fit in it, I'll look BAD.

While I'm on the note of fulfilling semester goals (re: my post a few weeks ago regarding things I wanted to accomplish this semester), my acne is starting to clear up. Huzzah! I think it was so bad because:
A) I wasn't drinking nearly enough water as I should have been. I've been better about this lately.
B) My stress level was slightly higher, and has since gone down a little. Or maybe I'm just getting better about dealing with it. I don't know.
C) For a while after I got back to school, my hormones were going all insane and stuff because all of a sudden I was living with 3 other girls. I think they're starting to adjust now.
D) (more of a sub-point of A) I'm eating a lot healthier than I was this summer.
E) (also mor of a sub-point of A) I'm a lot more physically active than I was over the summer.

So overall, my self-esteem is starting to up a little bit. I do have my moments, but who doesn't?

Oh, annoying story. So, I get in my car to go to church this morning, and it doesn't start. The battery is dead. So by the time AAA gets someone out to my house to jump it, it's 10am. Church is at 10:15 out in Woodridge, 40 minutes away. So...there goes church this morning. And on top of it, the guy didn't even have a new battery to put in my car, like AAA said they would. The battery truck doesn't go out on the weekends. So I have to wait until tomorrow to call AAA AGAIN so they can send ANOTHER PERSON out to my house to replace the battery. Which means that I either have to ride my bike to school tomorrow at 6:30am (I'm not a fan of this option. Riding my bike makes me more tired than I care to be. Also sweaty. I don't like being sweaty all day.) OR get up WAY before the butt-crack of dawn so I can leave my apartment at 6am to walk to school to be at work by 7am. (I like walking infinitely better than riding my bike, but I'm not a fan of getting up that early.) Eff. Whatevs. I'm still not sure what I'll do. I probably won't decide until right before I go to bed.

Oh, on top of the car thing, my computer isn't working. None of the programs will run. I took it to cougarnet today. Hopefully they can fix it. If not, I might be screwed.

We've decided to sever all contact. Shannon and I, that is. I think this will be both easier and difficult. We did it to give each other more space. And we think that we'll get jealous of the other person if we know about people we might start casually dating. And that doesn't really make sense, since we're not together anymore.

I'm still planning on moving to Springfield sometime after I graduate. So until then, until we're ready to make contact again, no phone, no texts, no facebook, twitter, nothing. We're not even going to read each others' blogs.

But for some reason, I feel lonely. I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day. Because I never see my roommates, and I don't really hang out with friends too often (because I can be kind of a loser sometimes). I guess maybe I don't think many of my friends will care too much about how my day went.

I do know that it needs to be this way. We need some time away from each other. We need to not be fighting. Long distance stopped working for us a long time ago.

Today was a good day, partly because I woke up this morning and told myself it would be a good day.

I talked to him today. And it was good. I think that's part of why it was a good day. I think one of the reasons why I was so miserable the last couple of days was because it felt like someone died. I hated not being able to talk to him. It felt taboo, but then today I just bit the bullet and did it. And it was pretty normal. We didn't fight or anything. I'm not really sure how he feels about this, if he thinks it's more torture to talk to me and us not be together than for us to just sever all contact. I don't know. . . I just want us both to be happy.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Tomorrow WILL be a good day. Tomorrow will be a GOOD day. TOMORROW will be a good day. TOMORROW WILL BE A GOOD DAY.

I made the stupid mistake of listening to sad and depressing music while I was walking to school this morning. Not long after I got there, I broke down in a bathroom and started crying. It still hurts. It hurts so much. But I know that if we got back together, nothing would get better, not really. This really is for the best. In my head, I know that. But my heart still hurts so much.

I missed you today. I thought about you all day. I know that it needs to be this way, I know that this way we aren't hurting each other anymore. But that doesn't change the fact that I do miss you. A lot.

Sorry if this seems bitchy. But I just want to be clear about this. I'm going to say it once.

Shannon and I broke up today. I just wanted to get that out there so that neither of us keeps getting questions. No, I don't feel like talking about it. I don't feel like explaining to you all of the gory details because, frankly, it's not really any of your business. If you really needed to know, then you would know by now. So questions aren't really necessary.

I just wanted to get that out there so that we don't keep getting questions. Because, to be honest, they're kind of annoying.

Goals

I've decided to set some goals for myself. These goals must be achieved no later than November 20th, seeing as most of them pertain to my Senior voice Recital, which is on November 20th at 4pm. Here they are:

• Lose approx. one pant/dress size.
  
• Find a pair of silver heels.
• Be zit-free by Nov. 20th.
• Find an AWESOME shade of red lipstick.
• Get a pedicure.
• Find someone to do my hair for my recital.
• Learn how to actually keep my bedroom clean.

bubble.

Ok. Hi. I know it's been a while. Sorry. It's not like anyone reads this anyway.

ANYWAY...

Last week was my last first week of school. At least until I go to grad school, but who knows when that'll be? Not me. And I survived. This week might be a little more challenging. I like the classes I'm taking pretty well, even though I'll have a full workload. I'm taking music lessons, senior recital, a stupid gen ed that I waited until the last minute to take, Interpersonal Communication (a class I could really use!), Choral Literature (which is a GRADUATE LEVEL class! I'm really nervous and excited about it all at once!), and senior project. Oh, and I'm working at the Early Childhood Center on top of that.

I must say, I'm pretty excited for my senior project. It's going to be a readers theatre program of Dr. Seuss books entitled "Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned from Dr. Seuss." I'll be emphasizing the fact that Dr. Seuss's books ALWAYS had a moral to the story. And they were useful, too: try new things, use your imagination, compromise, you can't run away from your problems. Things like that.

Also, I'm trying this new thing this semester called "being organized." I know. It's a big deal. You should be shocked. But I feel like this semester it's even more important for me to stay organized than it was last semester. Because of my senior project, which is all up to me to stay on schedule for, because of my recital, because of Choral Lit, and because of the fact that I'm still in a long distance relationship. If I can stay on top of all my school work and get it done in a timely manner, I can have more time to devote to my wonderful boyfriend.

I'm nervous about graduating. I'm not ready to enter the real real world. They tell you you're entering the real world when you graduate high school, but it's a lie. Okay, it's not a lie if you don't go to college, or you do go but you're paying for it yourself. For people like me who are in college and are still being helped by their parents, it's NOT the real world. And Concordia is REALLY super far from being the real world. It very much resembles living in a bubble. Hence the term "Concordia Bubble." I'm nervous to have to be kicked out of the bubble. I know that this has to happen, and that everything will ultimately be okay. But I'm still not ready yet. I'm not ready to be a grownup. I want to stay a college student just a while longer.

For a friend of mine...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

-"Fix You," Coldplay

Summer Reading

While I didn't find a job, I've read quite a few books this summer, to my delight. During the school year, I never get to read for pleasure.

Books I've read this summer:
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice

• Interview with the Vampire
• The Vampire Lestat
• Queen of the Damned
• The Tale of the Body Thief

Twilight and New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
Dead Man Walking by Sister Helen Prejean (well, mostly. I still have one chapter to go)

With the exception of the first and last books listed, the books I've read required little to no brain power. And I'm definitely okay with that. I'm all for books that make you think, but from time to time I do enjoy books that have little to no moral, cultural, or political significance.

For the most part, this summer has been very relaxing, and I'm sorry to see it end. I wish I could just stay home and read books.

Good vs. Bad

Sorry for yesterday's depressing, cryptic, emo-esque post. I needed to get it off my chest, but I couldn't be too specific.

Anyway, yesterday was good and bad.

Good:
I went to see Julie and Julia with my mom! We both really liked it! The whole middle section made me uncomfortable in an intangible, indescribable way. But I'm fairly certain that it was supposed to do that. Anyone who's seen it have input on this?

Bad:
Had an argument with someone. REALLY big argument. I still don't think I'm quite over it yet. And I don't know what to do about it.

Good:
I had a great phone conversation with my friend Tyler, who I haven't talked to since school ended. We didn't talk about the issues that were troubling me, just regular stuff, and that turned out to be far more beneficial than if I had ranted to him. We talked about my classes this semester, and how he's student teaching, and about how my apartment is 0.6 miles (I looked it up) from the house that he's moving into soon.

So, listing them off, it appears that yesterday was more good than bad. But the bad feels really bad. As bad as the two goods put together, if not worse.

suffocating
i feel
like
i'm suffocating
blood pounding
in my ears
can't hear
anything
heart racing
feels like
it'll jump
out of
my chest
i'm not
in control
a feeling
i hate
i'll open my eyes
and i'll
wake up . . .

Kings of Leon

As much as I dislike the band, Kings of Leon for their lead singer who pronounces vowels weirdly and can't seem to pronounce the end of words, and can't seem to sing the word "use," I have to admire the fact that they play and sing with feeling, because that's not a trait that's widely found in musicians today. So simply because of that fact, I can't hate them. But that doesn't mean I have to like them. So I'll just politely ignore them.

So...

...I finally gave in and read Twilight. Seeing the movie a couple weeks ago at Emily's made me curious. And...I liked it. I guess that's a bit of an understatement. I was engrossed. I picked it up from the library yesterday, and I finished reading it this morning. And not only that, I've never found a character from a book sexy in print. That is until now. Now I realize how everyone can be like "OMG Edward Cullen, Edward Cullen!" I'm slightly embarrassed. I wanted so badly to not like Twilight at all, for some reason. But now I've reserved New Moon at the library. I might have a new obsession...

Word Vomit

That's what this blog's gonna be: word vomit. I haven't blogged in a while, too long, in fact. So this blog will be a long rambling mess of a summary of my life since the last blog entry.

My online class started last week. Values and Virtues. Required senior class at Concordia, in which we're taught how to form, vocalize, and analyze our... (you guessed it) Values and Virtues. I'm convinced that I would drown in this class had I not taken History of Theatre Directed Study this past semester. If I can take that class Directed Study, I can take pretty much any class. And I think I got a B in it, too. I was really pleased. But I'm distracted. The online discussion format is a little weird. I don't really feel like I have any idea who the other people in the class are. I realize it's only been one week, but I feel like if I were actually taking this class, I would know these people more than I do, even after one week. However, it does have its benefits. I feel like it gives us all the chance to respond more calmly than we would get in person. At least this is true for me. I tend to speak before I think, and so the written discussion format works best for me.

I (groan) STILL don't have a job. I registered at a Temp agency, and they have something for me at the beginning of July, which is rapidly approaching! Eek! I do, however have a lead on a babysitting job I found on Craigslist. I really hope she hires me...

On August 1st, I'm going to Texas to visit my grandparents! I'm so excited! I haven't been down there for a couple of years, and so I'm really anxious to get down there and see them. It's only a week-long trip; not like the three week long trips I used to take down there when I was younger. I'm so excited to go there. It's like home for me. When I think of summer, I think of their house.

Speaking of my grandparents, the last I've heard from my grandfather is that he's recieving the treatment very well. The symptoms are starting to go away, and he hasn't had very many side effects. I'm very thankful for that.

Also, I hate the America's Next Top Model theme song. "La la laaa laaaaa la la la." That all it is. It reminds me of the Schnuck's song on their commercials. [You'll really only understand that if you live in or around St. Louis.]

Also having to do with ANTM, I hate it when the judges tell people they're dull and have no personality. Maybe they're just reserved! There's nothing wrong with being reserved! It makes me so angry when the judges call them dull. Argh!

Ok, I think I'm done rambling. Hope you had fun. I know I did.

Today was AWESOME

Ok, so awesome story. I went to the DMV here in Warrenton to get a change of address on my driver's license. The woman asks me for the $12.50 that it costs, and I pull out my debit card. She says "we only take cash or check." Problem. I have no checks. And only $11.00. So she says, "Here, I'll just take what you have and you can bring me $1.50 later." This is one of the reasons why living in a small town is a good thing. If this were to happen to me in St. Louis, there is NO WAY the same outcome would have occurred.

I am weary.

And I don't just mean tired. I am weary in the world-worn sense, the kind of emotion where stress is just starting to wear you down to the point where you just want to crawl into bed and sleep until Jesus comes again.

Money is the root of all evil. It's certainly the source of my problems. I don't have enough. Everyone's looking for jobs, and no one is hiring. And if they ARE hiring, they're certainly looking for someone who's planning on having the job for more than 2 months. I need a job. I have a parking ticket (stupid St. Louis City) and bills I can't pay. I've started looking for babysitting jobs on Craigslist, and I have a lead on one, a couple of overnight jobs. But these aren't until next month. I'm really hoping something will come.

I am weary, let me rest.

You can't cut a steak with a coat

I read this post in a blog I follow. (http://french-graffiti.blogspot.com/2009/06/shes-just-not-that-into-you.html) If you're wondering why Mr. Right hasn't shown up yet, read this.

"I ran into a guy I knew from somewhere (vagueness is key on the internet). I was in a jovial mood so I invited the guy for a drink. I wasn't looking for anything serious with this guy but I thought some drunken flirting, kissing, etc might be fun.

Two martinis later (vodka, dirty, always, please, thank you) I decided that it had been way too long since I last had sex. So against the Audrey Hepburn part of my brain, I decided, "Fuck it, I'm allowed to have fun and get laid." I followed this gentleman back to his house.

Sexing ensued. And at some point during it, I realized, to quote the Bluth family, "I've made a terrible mistake." This gentleman really actually *liked* me. Like liked, liked. "Do-you-like-me-Check-yes-or-no" like.

I've been this guy before, the "I like you guy", the one making cute little jokes, cuddling, so happy to be in the bed with a certain person. Thinking that everything was going so well. But, unfortunately for him, he's not what I was looking for. I was looking to get laid, plain and simple. No messiness, no promises of future dates, just a fun romp. But he didn't know this, and how could he? Now here is where I understand where men are coming from.

Because see, there's nothing actually wrong with his guy. He's adorable, kind, etc. It's not like there was something he could have done to change my mind/feelings about him. It's just that he's not what I want right now. It's like if I went into a store and said, "Show me your best china" and you brought me back a Marc Jacobs coat, I would say, "That's a great coat but that's not at all what I'm looking for."

Now I get it. I get why things seem to be going so great with a guy -- we have a great evening, kissing, cuddling, etc -- only to not hear from him the next day. I'm just not "it". Not what he's looking for. "Just not that into me" etc. And it's actually true. Because I'm a Marc Jacobs coat, he knows, I know it. But he's looking for cutlery. And you can't cut a steak with a coat."

My Grandfather

On Monday, we found out that my grandfather has a carcinoid tumor on his liver. According to MayoClinic.com,

"Carcinoid tumors are a slow-growing type of cancer that can arise in several places throughout your body. Carcinoid tumors usually appear in the gastrointestinal tract (appendix, stomach, small intestine, colon, rectum) and in the lungs. But, carcinoid tumors can also begin in other organs, including the ovaries and testes.

Carcinoid tumors rarely cause signs and symptoms until late in the disease. Carcinoid tumors can produce and release hormones into your body that cause signs and symptoms such as diarrhea or skin flushing."

They're not sure what the treatment is going to be. He has an appointment on Tuesday, and that's going to be discussed.

Honestly, I'm not as worried as I was before we found out the results of the biopsy. I think it's because of the phrase "slow-growing." I think how worried I get depends on how sick he gets.

Ok, scratch all of that. I'm actually scared out of my mind.

Taylor Swift

Ok, just to warn you, this blog will be a long cynical rant about Taylor Swift, and the music industry in general. Here we go...

Taylor Swift performed on the Today Show this morning. Ugh. She doesn't know how to sing. She wasn't completely off pitch, and her tone wasn't bad (most of the time), but it was less than pleasing. I am also completely convinced that she doesn't know how to breathe properly (along with nearly everyone else in the music industry today). She compulsively breathes in the middle of words. I mean, what would possess you to breathe in the middle of a word when you're the only one singing?? It's okay when you're singing with a choir, because it's stagger breathing, and normally no one can hear a break in the middle of the word. But if Taylor Swift knew how to breathe properly, then she wouldn't have to resort to breathing in the middle of words.

She also can't enunciate well. It's ANNOYING! Should I ever want to listen to her songs, I'd like to be able to understand them! That's another thing singers today don't do: enunciate. I mean, I've heard heavy metal bands enunciate better than pop stars. It seems like there's something wrong with that.

Now this might be a little bit insensitive, bu her dancing looks like she's having convulsions, and crowds seem to scream in adoration over it. For some reason, they love it. I mean, if she actually started having convulsions onstage, the crowds probably wouldn't know the difference.

Okay, I've decided. My goal in life should be to teach the whole world to sing, because there are too many "singers" who don't know how to sing.

LAZY!

I've been feeling...so lazy lately.

One, it's been months since I've worked out. But that's because this past semester was such a bitch, and I was too busy to work out.

Two, I haven't practiced voice or piano since I left school. Must practice tomorrow. NEED to practice tomorrow.

Three, I haven't been creative in a long while. I haven't made anything, created anything. I haven't worked on the play I'm writing, I haven't blogged, I've barely written in my journal. I feel so uncreative right now. I made snowflakes out of teal tissue paper the other day, but that doesn't really count.

Four, I don't have a job. I NEED a job for the summer.

Five, (and this has nothing to do with being lazy) I miss Sanctuary. BAD.

Prayers Needed

I found out tonight that my grandfather is having a biopsy of his liver this week. He hasn't been well for a while now; in fact he's been anemic for a while, and they're trying to figure out the cause of it. They did a CAT scan, and found some lesions on his liver. It could just be lesions on his liver, or it could be liver cancer. We won't know anything until next week. But keep him in your prayers, please.

LOST (Do not read unless you have watched the Season 5 finale!)

Ok, my most recent obsession is LOST. Shannon and I were watching select episodes of Season 3 last night, and that sparked a question and subsequent conversation. The conversation was surrounding the time flashes that happened to the folks on The Island (Locke, Sawyer, Juliet, Daniel Faraday, Miles, Charlotte, Rose, and Bernard). The question is, why did some people flash through time after Ben turned the wheel ("There's No Place Like Home Part 3"), and others did not? For example, members of Oceanic Flight 815 (which include a Stewardess and 2 children) who were kidnapped by The Others and subsequently became "Others" ("The Brig") did not flash, whereas people who were not originally members of the Flight 815 group did flash, like Juliet, Daniel Faraday, Miles, and Charlotte?

Also, the character of Richard Alpert has lost his...mystery, I guess. I'm starting to think he doesn't know as much about the Island or things that are happening as perhaps originally thought. When we first met Richard, I got this impression that Richard was really wise, and knew a lot about the Island. But now I'm starting think that Richard doesn't really know all that much. To take it to an extreme, he seems like Jacob's lackey. I also have some reservations about Locke being The Others' new leader, before we found out in the Season 5 finale, that the Locke we've been seeing most of the season is actually Jacob's unnamed "Nemesis" (as he's being referred to). During the Islanders' flashes through time, Locke told Richard Alpert in 1954 that he (Locke) is the new leader of the Others. Now, did Richard tell Locke in 2004 that he's the new leader because Locke is actually the new leader (with orders fresh from Jacob) or because Locke told him he was in 1954? I'm inclined to believe that Locke was never supposed to be the leader of The Others. It's all one huge looped pretzel: Richard tells Locke he's the new leader because Locke told him that he was. Bottom line: in my opinion, Richard Alpert is nothing but a messenger.

Welcome Home...

"So Leah, how was your first Saturday at home?"

"Oh, it was okay. I went into town and got a Mother's Day gift and I made some cookies."

"Oh, that sounds fun."

"Oh! I almost forgot! I also helped my parents clean our basement, since the breaker for the septic system tripped yesterday, and backed up into the basement."

Welcome Home.

James Bond

Goldfinger is on TCM tonight. And I feel like doing a review of all of the men who've played James Bond, complete with fun facts.

Sean Connery as James Bond:



Fun Facts about Sean Connery:

• He placed 3rd in the 1950 Mr. Universe contest
• He had to wear a hairpiece in every James Bond movie, because he was balding already
• During the filming of Never Say Never Again in 1983, he made the martial arts instructor angry. The martial arts instructor then broke Connery's wrist. The instructor? Steven Seagal.

George Lazenby as James Bond:

Fun Facts:

• Born and raised in Australia
• Served in the Australian Army
• Was offered a seven movie deal for James Bond, but quit after one movie, because he thought the series would die out in the 60's and 70's. Ha. Sucks to be him.
• Was only in one Bond film: On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969). James Bond actually got married in this movie. She dies at the end.

Personal Opinion:

Has anyone even HEARD of George Lazenby? I haven't. I always have to be reminded by my mother that he even exists when I'm thinking of all the actors who have played James Bond.

Roger Moore as James Bond:


Fun Facts:

• Before he did James Bond, he was in a TV show called "The Saint." There was a movie in the 90's made of it, with Val Kilmer. I've seen "The Saint." It seems rather like James Bond training.
• Was the oldest actor to play Bond. He was 57 in A View to A Kill.
• Succeeded Audrey Hepburn as goodwill ambassador for UNICEF

Timothy Dalton as James Bond:

Fun Facts:

• Was in 2 James Bond movies: The Living Daylights and A License to Kill.
• In 1997, starred in The Beautician and The Beast with Fran Drescher. He must have been really desperate for work...

Pierce Brosnan as James Bond:

Fun Facts:

• Is Irish by birth
• Before he was James Bond, he starred in a series called "Remington Steele." He played a thief who solved crimes with a private detective. Like Roger Moore's "The Saint," "Remington Steele" (which I have also seen clips of) also seems like Bond-in-training.

Personal Opinion:

Pierce Brosnan is the sexiest of any actor who's played James Bond. The End.

Daniel Craig as James Bond:

Fun Facts:

• Made his film debut in a movie called The Power of One, which we watched freshman year in Freedom and Responsibility class. Ha.
• When he was a teenager, he was part of the National Youth Theatre in the UK

Personal Opinion:

While Daniel Craig does not have that suave look like James Bond traditionally does, he does have the most beautiful eyes of any actor who's played James Bond. I can't stop staring at them.

construction, etc.

The Village of Forest Park is doing construction on our street. Their jackhammering is not only loud and obnoxious, but it also shakes our entire building. The construction also blocks off the parking on our street. Not really a big deal for me, since I'm leaving tomorrow, but still a pain for my roommates who are here all summer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And now for something completely different. This will be mostly a rant. So if you don't feel like reading it, I understand.

But you know those people who are really good at reading other people, like studying their facial expressions and actions and then pretending like they know everything about you? I know a person who does that. It's really aggravating and kind of infuriating. He will pass judgement on my entire day based on "hi" and my facial expressions. The worst part? Normally this person is right. I'm not angry about the fact that he is correct. I'm angry about the fact that he can see things about people that they don't necessarily want to share. It's like he steals their secrets. Ok, this analogy is a little explicit, but everytime I'm around him, it's like he's undressed me against my will just because he could. I constantly feel like I'm trying to hide myself around him, but it doesn't work. I don't want him to know the things about me that he knows without me even telling him. And the worst part is, he claims he can't not do this. I don't buy it. I think he can turn this ability off and stop analyzing people. He wonders why people think he's a jerk. It's because he analyzes people and finds out things they don't want him to know. There's a reason people keep secrets. It's because they don't want other people to know.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he can't really turn this off, maybe this is just who he is. If I'm wrong, tell me. But I don't think I'm wrong. If his analyzing me is making me feel the way I feel, that's not something wrong with me, that's not something I just have to get over. He needs to learn to control his analytical side. It's not appropriate in all contexts. I can't be friends with him anymore. I don't feel safe with him. You're supposed to feel safe with your friends.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I read the play today. It's by Edward Albee. It's a little bit hard to understand, and afterwards you have to sit with it for a while before you start to understand it. But I liked it. This quote from it is on my mind right now:

...George who is good to me, and whom I revile; who understands me, and whom I push off; who can make me laugh, and I choke it back in my throat; who can hold me, at night, so that it's warm, and whom I will bite so there's blood; who keeps learning the games we play as quickly as I can change the rules; who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy, and, yes, I do wish to be happy.

...whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes, this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it.

...who tolerates, which is intolerable; who is kind, which is cruel; who understands, which is beyond comprehension...

beautiful three-legged dogs

Today I saw a woman walking a puppy. Not just any puppy, mind you. This puppy was happy like all puppies are, but this puppy had only three legs. And this puppy looked so happy and joyful, just hopping along, loving life and loving the walk he was on. It was as if he didn't even know he was missing a leg, or like dogs are supposed to have only three legs. It was so cool. And it was beautiful. I don't mean beautiful in the definition of the word the world has led us to believe, because by the world's standards, this dog was flawed, scarred, ugly, imperfect. Sure, God created dogs to have four legs, but this dog was God's creature, too. God loves this flawed, scarred, ugly, imperfect dog, just as he loves us, scarred, ugly, and imperfect as we are.

God loves you, and you are beautiful.

Lots of things on my mind today...

First: Being a director is hard sometimes, especially dealing with actors. I'm not going to say anything more specific than that, in an effort to be discreet, since this is a public blog. But sometimes it's frustrating.

Second: Shannon came to visit me here in Chicago from Thursday through Sunday. It was really nice seeing him and spending time with him. We didn't even really do anything special. We just hung out. We got dinner a couple times, we saw a couple of movies. We mostly just hung around the house, enjoying each others' company. And it was good. I really missed him, and I still do, now that he's back in Springfield. Before he came to visit, things were rough. I'm gonna be honest about that. We were both really busy, and we didn't get to talk to each other very much. And when we did talk, it was either for a few minutes at a time, or we were arguing. But when he was here, it was like we were us again. We were us, we weren't fighting...and it was so reassuring. Sometimes I have my doubts, but this trip made me so confident in us.

Third: No, I did not go to church yesterday (I know, on EASTER). Shannon and I went out for breakfast before he left (to PANERA, btw, their breafast sandwiches are AMAZING!). But after he left, I sat down with my bible and my journal and read the Crucifixion and Resurrection accounts from all four Gospels. Lent this year has gone by really fast. I've been so busy with school that I've hardly had time to take notice and reflect on it, so I'm really glad that I got time yesterday to think about it and spend time with God.

The part of the Resurrection that always stands out to me is the story in John of Mary Magdalene outside the tomb. She's so blinded by her grief that she doesn't see Jesus when He's right in front of her. And I think it's because that they (they meaning Jesus' followers) didn't really understand the things that Jesus was telling them about himself. They didn't understand that when He was crucified, it wasn't the end, that he would raise to life again. But why would they understand that? Why would a human being who was dead, who they themselves watched suffer an enormously painful death on the cross come to life again? The thought wouldn't have even occurred to them; in all their (and our) limited human understanding, they wouldn't have been able to understand of and concieve of such a concept.

And you know, sometimes I feel a lot like Mary outside the tomb. Sometimes I feel so blinded and caught up in all the stuff I have going on--schoolwork, my relationship, all my issues--that I...forget about Him. So this is what I thought about yesterday. And I prayed to God that I wouldn't let all of my stuff keep me from him and continue blinding me, and I asked for His help. Because there's no way that I'm going to be able to do it alone. Anytime I try something without Him, I fail.

Postscript: Comedy

So, my friend was wrong. My one-act is funny, dammit. I appreciate my friend's opinion, but I respectfully disagree. My one-act is funny. He doesn't know the show like I do. He judged it based on ten minutes. He saw ten minutes of downtime. It's a friggin Neil Simon comedy. It goes in hills and valleys. There's parts where they're running around all crazy and there's parts where they aren't. It's not farce: they're not going to be running around constantly for an entire act. I know the show. I understand the style. I understand the rhythm of the dialogue and action. I'm a damn good director. So there.

Comedy

So, apparently my one-act isn't funny. A friend of mine saw about ten minutes of it today and judged it based on that, saying it isn't funny. I think it's funny, although I do agree more could be done with it. He would have said it was funny if he had seen the part where they run across the bed. But I am actually starting to have a minor panic attack. It's too late in the game for me to be realizing now that there's a possibility that my comedy isn't funny. I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I'm in the process of going through the entire script and making notes about things that could be added or changed to make it bigger, funnier, more exaggerated. Maybe choosing a comedy was a bad idea... Or maybe I just need to realize that it's not necessarily the finish product that matters, although I do want to put forth a wonderful play. This class (Directing a One-Act Play) is about me learning and growing as a director. But I'm still scared.

Coffee/one-act

A couple of days ago I had a conversation with Shannon about how I really should quit drinking caffeine altogether, because both my parents have high blood pressure, so me drinking coffee on top of the added family history increases my chances of having it when I'm older. Except the thing is, as long as I'm still in school, I forsee a need for coffee, because it wakes me up in the morning after a late night of studying. But lately I've been feeling these spurts of rapid heartbeating for a few seconds, and then my heartbeat gets normal again. It's kind of scary. I might want to get a physical soon...

Also, rehearsals for my one-act are going extremely well. We're off book already. I'm a little nervous though, since we don't have rehearsal again until a week from Monday, because of tech week for Ragtime next week, which I'm involved in. But I think it'll be okay. I'm really anxious to get a set up for these guys. I'm tired of having for them to imagine walls and doors. Now that we're off book, this is really the time for them to start getting the feel for the play and polish up all the little details that really make a play. And an actual set helps with that. On a good note, however, I asked a friend of mine to sit in on my rehearsal last night, and he suggested moving around two pieces of furniture. I did, and it opened up the set so much! Mind (and eye) was completely blown! It still astounds me how switching two set pieces can make so much difference. Last night's rehearsal was really productive and beneficial. We fixed a lot of problems with one particular scene, which makes me really happy. Honestly, this one-act is the thing I have going this semester that I care the most about. If I can put on a great show, then this whole semester will be worth it.

I get so discouraged sometimes...

Conducting vs. Directing/excercising/coffee addiction

I continue to feel torn between my two majors: music and theatre. I feel each tugging me in separate directions. I want to go to graduate school, but I feel each major begging me, "Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!" and I don't know which one to study in graduate school. I love both directing plays and conducting. I love the control I have with both. There's a certain balance between control and letting go and letting things happen. In conducting, I love the fact that my hands start to shake almost violently with nervousness and excitement and exhilaration everytime I conduct, and continue to shake for several minutes afterwards. With directing, I love shaping the actors, and leading them to where I want them to be, and also letting them suprise me with wonderful interpretations that I didn't expect. I could go on and on about both of these for longer than I probably should. Maybe I could get a double masters degree.... That would solidify my insanity. Slash it would take me forever.

On another note, I am extremely excited for the Kapelle Home Concert on Saturday at 7:30pm in the Chapel of Our Lord! You should come! It will be amazing!

On yet another completely separate subject, Spring Tour has made me lazy. It has made me not want to exercise and not want to eat healthy. I can't even remember the last time I exercised. I'll start exercising again next week. I think it'll be tough to get back in the groove. I might have to build back up to it.

Today I was thinking about when I realized I was addicted to caffeine. It was several months ago, and I was writing a paper and really stressed out and going nuts. I got some coffee from the Library Cafe at school (cuz I was writing a paper in the library) and I took a sip and just sighed, and suddenly everything was ok. I wasn't stressed out anymore. I was even almost relaxed. And then I realized, if coffee is making me relaxed, and making me breathe sighs of relief, then I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I've been thinking about replicating that sigh of relief I feel when I'm super stressed and have a drink of coffee so that I can be not stressed out and relaxed more often, without the aid of my legal addictive substance of choice. I feel like it would be a great accomplishment if I could achieve this.

California

Last week was my spring break, and I went with Kapelle on our Spring Tour to CALIFORNIA! It was so amazing. I want to go back to California so bad. Everywhere we went was beautiful, even in the desert. What's also great is that we went from being slightly less than prepared to having at least half the program memorized. We're not using music for quite a few pieces. The program has really grown on me. I can honestly say that I enjoy singing every piece, while there are a few pieces that are my favorites. Like Abendlied. The text is "stay with us, Lord, for it is evening, and the day is almost over." The music reflects this. The harmonic language has a certain tension, pleading, and almost urgent desperation for Christ to stay with us. That's probably my favorite in the whole program.

Chicago just isn't nearly as awesome as California. Besides the fact that coming back to Chicago means back to reality, back to school, and back to doing actual work, Chicago...smells funny. I know this sounds weird and kind of minor, but smell is kind of a big deal to me. Certain smells are associated with certain memories. I like different smells, particularly nice ones. Everywhere we went in California smelled better than Chicago. Chicago smells dirty, crowded, and polluted. California smells...relaxed, (good), fresh. I miss it.

There was also so much open space in California. A lot of our drives was just this vast expanse of land. There's places where there's nothing but miles and miles of unsettled hills and mountains. It all really put God's glory and majest into perspective. It was so breathtaking, and I was kind of left speechless by it.

I can honestly say, that I would live in Califonia if I could. But there are things here in the midwest that I love more. So I will stay.

I googled myself today.

Apparently I'm a singer/songwriter, with a mediocre voice. Here is my website: www.leahmartin.com. I'm also a wedding photographer in Kansas City. I was looking for a way to procrastinate and decided to google myself, which I've never done before. I was kind of hoping to find that I was a criminal or something, but found nothing of the sort.

Wings of the Morning

I sang this song in chapel yesterday with Resonanz, and it's been on my mind and heart. It's "Wings of the Morning" by Caedmon's Call. It's from their "Share the Well" CD, where they went to India and a number of other countries and were inspired to write an album about their experience. Not only does this song remind me of how infinite God's love is, but it also inspires me to... I don't know, help someone I guess. I want God to use me to help bring as many people as I can to Him. I want everyone to know how much God loves them.

I woke to the sirens of the city
They were calling me to hold my head up high
But the truth was in the dust that hangs like curtains
From the beggars to the sky

The ads and billboards rained in every language
The message every politician knows
When we're fed that we are nothing we'll believe it
And then do what we are told

The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down

On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

Ask any good detective, he will tell you
It's the eyes that always give the truth away
And in yours I see the fear that's bound and gagged you
With no hope for escape

It's true that we are fallen as an angel
But you and me, we're also holy as a prayer
Made in the image of a giver and a lover
Who left His throne to come down here

The spark of the divine
I see it in your eyes
It's there behind the lies that tie you down

On the wings of the morning
Hope is rising
In the darkest night
Your love and light prevail

We will rise, rise on the wings of the morning
Though we hide, hide in the shadows of the night
There is hope, hope in the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight...

Hope is rising ... on the wings of the morning
Hope is rising ... in the shadows of the night
Hope is rising ... from the hands that have made us
And are holding us tight ...

Crazy Randomocity

Right now, I have an intense desire to write for some reason, even though I'm a mediocre writer-poetry, stories, even blogs, you name it. I don't have very much confidence in my writing, even though I'm writing a play for my senior project next semester.

The past couple of days have been okay. The beginning of the week was not so hot, though. Stuff happened over the weekend that I'm not really at liberty to talk about because, well, it's over and done with now and doesn't really matter. But anyway, at the beginning of the week I was hung up over that and it caused me to get even more easily frustrated than I normally am. Which, in itself, was frustrating. But the past couple of days have been better.

Lately I've been working out 2-3 times a week, doing cardio for around an hour, and some strength exercises if I have time. And I definitely think it's been beneficial in ways other than for my body. Each day that I work out, afterwards I'm in such a wonderful mood for the rest of the day. I love endorphins. I'm hoping that as I continue to work out that my mood will stabilize, and I'll start to be able to control my emotions and be a more enjoyable person to be around. Because right now, I just don't feel like I'm someone anyone wants to be around. I wouldn't want to be around me either. But this could be because I've been feeling kind of disconnected and lonely lately. My roommates are always busy, and when I try to hang out with friends on campus, it rarely ever works out for one reason or another. I guess I just need to quit bitching about it, because I know there are tons of productive things that I could be doing instead.

Hmm. I guess that might be it for now, although I still feel unsatisified. I might go to bed early tonight. And by early, I mean before 10. Sleeping is my fourth favorite thing. 1 is Jesus. 2 is Shannon. 3 is food. Actually it might be a tie between food and sleeping. It's a tough call.

I need God's peace, and a little patience

My chest feels heavy. Or perhaps more appropriately, my heart feels heavy. I'm dizzy, and my hands are shaking. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. And I feel like crying. I mean really crying, like ugly, messy, sobbing until my eyes are dry.

I came to Caribou this evening with the intention of getting work done, and now I have no concentration and work ethic.

Last night I slept 14+ hours. Is that unhealthy? I got no more than a sum of 9 hours the previous two nights. It could be argued that my body was catching up. But even after more than 14 hours of sleep last night, I still want to sleep. That's all I want to do. Sleep has become a major escape for me lately. When I just want to get away from the world and all of the shit that's been going on lately, I sleep. And eat. Sleep and stress eat.

I want to be happy. And I want to not be so angry all of the time. I feel this intense anger inside of me all the time, and I don't know how or why it got there, nor how to get rid of it. And I want to not be lonely. I've lost one roommate to graduation, and another to student teaching and her boyfriend. I never see her. (Don't mistake me, I'm not angry at her for it. These things just happen.) And so when I am at the apartment, I'm lonely. And I'm so disconnected from my friends at school, so I never see them, either. So Reader's Digest version: Leah hates her life.

And I've prayed about all of this, and I know that it'll get better, that God will work some good into my life. My problem is that I want it to be instant, even though I know it doesn't work that way. God's will works on HIS terms, not ours. It's hard being patient.

I feel a little better having gotten all of this out. Not a ton better, but a little.

home sick....again

Last week on Tuesday night, I came down with a cold, and was sick all the next day.

Last Friday night, I came down with the stomach flu, and was finally feeling 100 percent by Tuesday.

Last night while I was seeing Spamalot I came down with a cold, along with a sore throat that made my throat swell practically halfway shut. So today I've been home sick.

Why do I keep getting sick? Oh, wait it's the Early Childhood Center. Right.

You'd think that working at the ECC, after a while you'd build up an immunity to all the stuff the little kids are carrying. Which means I'd be sick less, not MORE. Except I've been sick three times in a little over a week. Ugh. I don't understand why my body hates me so much.

This is ridiculous

It's -12 degrees outside. That's the AIR temperature. The wind chill is -31. I've never experienced weather this cold in my entire life. I hate this.

schedules and head colds are scary

So, I finished writing my rehearsal schedule for my one-act tonight. Finally! I hated it more than...mushrooms. Or leaving doors open. Or sinus headaches. Or the smell of cottage cheese. (as for the taste, I can't really say. The smell makes me too scared to even taste it.) It's like sudoku: if you screw up ONE thing, you have to re-do the ENTIRE SCHEDULE! Ugh! I really hope that I did everything right, and that none of my actors have conflicts. If that does happen, I will cry. Probably a lot. In my schedule, I left open weekends (normally one a month) where Shannon and I could meet in St. Louis for the weekend and see each other. I hope the weekends I picked were okay. They were pretty much the only weekends that worked. Shannon and I are going to talk about it tonight. I'm really pretty excited for this semester, as much work as it will be.

Also, I have a small head cold today (thanks infants at the ECC!). It's a little disappointing, because last week I had a really good voice lesson, and this week I'm sick and had to cancel. But I'm already feeling better. I was feeling better by the afternoon, even. It happened last night. I was sitting in our living room doing homework when all of a sudden I stopped concentrating and realized that I was sick and had a really stuffy head. Normally it happens overnight when I get sick; I wake up with something I didn't have the day before. This has only happened to me once before, and I must say, I'm not a fan. I'd rather it just sneak up on me when I wake up in the morning. Hopefully whatever I have will be gone by morning. That would be absolutely fantastic.

LOST

I have become hopelessly addicted to LOST episodes online. I'm almost through the entire series. I have 12 more episodes to finish before the new season premieres on January 21. I'm going to watch another episode now.

Love Bade Me Welcome

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-ey'd Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here";
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,
I cannot look on thee."
Love took my hand and smiling did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

 -- George Herbert

I am a genius. I have the greatest idea ever, except I have to keep it a secret. So it's like I'm a secret genius, because none of you know why I'm a genius.

Things I love

It's been a while since I've blogged, and I missed it.

Things I love:
Shannon
Jesus
Bubble Baths
Blogging
Cooking
Working out
Eating
Singing
Fresh Groceries
New clothes
Coffee
Red Wine
Dark Chocolate

For all the bitching and complaining I do, my life really is pretty great.

I'm sorry...